Saturday, June 24, 2006

The Northern Canadian Wilderness

i'd like to talk to you right now if i could about a very sensitive issue. it's an issue we have all dealt with at one time or another in our lives. it's the problem of ...

there are many times in a young person's life when he or she feels the need to sit down and discuss with a friend, teacher or parent the problem of...

about three and a half years ago was when it first came to my attention that we could no longer, in good conscience, avoid the problem of...

all of these sentences have several things in common. firstly, all begin to discuss an issue of some importance and then trail off at the end before actually mentioning the problem of...

well by now i hope you are beginning to see my point. if not let me illustrate it for you .

here then we see the crux of the issue. what begins at one end to form structure is in fact not a beginning at all but the end of the problem which was about to be discussed in the first place. let me show you another example and this time pay especial attention to the small elusive object in the background just to the upper right of the main element.

so now we witness what could be refered to as an 'unfair assault' or what freud would have called a 'mostly unscrupulous camouflage by richard'. this is a classic example of something which should stand out but is in fact obscurred by a most ridiculous arrangement of hair, clothing and skin.

it would be appropriate at this stage in the discussion if i were to introduce another element to the proceedings which may clarify for some of you who may still be confused as to the direction the whole operation seems to be heading but i'm not going to. instead i'd like to reveal to you as an example of 'unwashed socks' what it means to be a part of a lecture and deliver words which seem to the average student a might confusing by illustrating a further point, observe...

there once was a man with a coat
who swam in communist moat
he buttoned his pants
but before he could dance
he fell onto the deck of a boat

this then would demonstrate the element of 'castle lust' where the protagonist, the 'man with a coat', seems to have reached a crossroads in his life, 'the moat', presumably in front of a castle, a 'communist' castle. now another name for a communist castle is the kremlin located in moscow. the problem here is that the kremlin does not have a moat but it does have guards around it, so in fact the man is not about to go swimming in a moat he is however about to engage the curiosity of several of the guards surrounding the kremlin by buttoning his pants and attempting some sort of a dance. now what sort of a dance would a tourist (i'm assuming here that the man in question is a tourist from new south wales who has just won a scholarship for a three year course on how to butter up guards at the kremlin) do in moscow in front of the kremlin to the guards there? there can really only be one logical answer....a line dance. so as he attempts to have the guards line dance his devious plan of course all along was to distract them by this western buffoonery and while they were dancing he would walk casually into the kremlin steal the gold hidden in the dungeon and make his quick escape via a 'boat', which in this context actually refers to a bicycle, ride to the train station and be back safely at his hotel long before the guards at the kremlin stopped line dancing. well that was the plan but something went wrong, something went terribly, terribly wrong. what the man did not realize was that the guards were not in fact guards but grizzly bears and the kremlin was not in fact the kremlin but a cave and moscow was not in fact moscow but the wilderness of northern canada where the man had been lost without food or water for several days and was beginning to lose his mind.

so anyway, to make a long story short, the man was eaten by the bears, the bears were happy for the opportunity to have something to nibble on, and needless to say our poor unfortunate protagonist never got the gold he so desperately sought. he did however get a chance to enter through the golden gates of heaven where by an ironic twist of fate he met there a man in a coat who related a story to him about how he often swam, not in a communist moat but a big capitalist swimming pool outside his estate in new south wales. well i guess it's true what they say...if ever you go hiking in the northern canadian wilderness, make sure you stay at home!


Smegmama(poopypants!) said...

Don't ever trust bears to hold your ice cream cone for you.

Post a Comment