Friday, June 30, 2006

World Cup 2006

so what's all the fuss with the world cup!
i just watched the game between germany and argentina and some german player (i don't know his name...sheißekuchen or ubermensch) was tapped by an argentinian and went down like lee harvey oswald shot by jack ruby! man, i thought the germans were supposed to be tougher than that, what with the whole nazi episode and all. it's no wonder they lost the war (whoops...i forgot...DON'T MENTION THE WAR!).

and why is it called the world cup anyway when they don't even win a cup. they win some dime store replica of an oscar that looks like a bat holding up a horta egg. and the award for the team with the most crybaby prima donnas goes to...

and the logo? i mean forget about it! i can see a 6 for 2006, but what's with all the smiley faces...and where's the 2? there's nothing but three other zeros there. this is the worst logo i've ever seen. i guess the smiles are supposed to represent the happy, well behaved german fans enjoying some delightful football. and how come only the little orange guy has hair? this really looks like a hastily assembled logo done by somebody who has perhaps enjoyed a few too many oktoberfests.

A Loon Shall Be Wailing At Quarter Past Two

so what a surprise
the man is alive
and feeling his way to the door
i cannot regret
the things i forget
like calling the neighbor the whore

i tell you it's true
the older they grew
the more they became like a tree
but then it became
a little insane
when xylem and phloem were free

to ooze from the bark
it was oh such a lark
to become what the elders did fear
but i didn't care
cause i had a flare
for dousing my mind in a beer

it was so long ago
and such a good show
i caught the third act of the play
she said 'how are you'
i said 'good as new
but my body is older today'

and so it would be
that the neighbors could see
just how lonely a loner should get
when he fiddles away
all the plasticine clay
cause it's drying from being too wet

so long ago now
it was once very loud
but seems to have calmed a bit down
i lost my red touque
on the top of the roof
because of that stupid fat clown

this could go on all night
when the turn of the light
reveals what shouldn't be seen
the ghost's of the years
though nary a tear
shall be shed for a guy whose so mean

but i'm not really mean
i'm just drawn it would seem
to look like a crusty old fart
if you look deep inside
to the heart of the guy
you will see where the rest never start

so goodbye my friend
until next time i send
you a greeting from us unto you
i will carry a tune
on a harp and a loon
shall be wailing at quarter past two

Saturday, June 24, 2006

The Northern Canadian Wilderness

i'd like to talk to you right now if i could about a very sensitive issue. it's an issue we have all dealt with at one time or another in our lives. it's the problem of ...

there are many times in a young person's life when he or she feels the need to sit down and discuss with a friend, teacher or parent the problem of...

about three and a half years ago was when it first came to my attention that we could no longer, in good conscience, avoid the problem of...

all of these sentences have several things in common. firstly, all begin to discuss an issue of some importance and then trail off at the end before actually mentioning the problem of...

well by now i hope you are beginning to see my point. if not let me illustrate it for you .

here then we see the crux of the issue. what begins at one end to form structure is in fact not a beginning at all but the end of the problem which was about to be discussed in the first place. let me show you another example and this time pay especial attention to the small elusive object in the background just to the upper right of the main element.

so now we witness what could be refered to as an 'unfair assault' or what freud would have called a 'mostly unscrupulous camouflage by richard'. this is a classic example of something which should stand out but is in fact obscurred by a most ridiculous arrangement of hair, clothing and skin.

it would be appropriate at this stage in the discussion if i were to introduce another element to the proceedings which may clarify for some of you who may still be confused as to the direction the whole operation seems to be heading but i'm not going to. instead i'd like to reveal to you as an example of 'unwashed socks' what it means to be a part of a lecture and deliver words which seem to the average student a might confusing by illustrating a further point, observe...

there once was a man with a coat
who swam in communist moat
he buttoned his pants
but before he could dance
he fell onto the deck of a boat

this then would demonstrate the element of 'castle lust' where the protagonist, the 'man with a coat', seems to have reached a crossroads in his life, 'the moat', presumably in front of a castle, a 'communist' castle. now another name for a communist castle is the kremlin located in moscow. the problem here is that the kremlin does not have a moat but it does have guards around it, so in fact the man is not about to go swimming in a moat he is however about to engage the curiosity of several of the guards surrounding the kremlin by buttoning his pants and attempting some sort of a dance. now what sort of a dance would a tourist (i'm assuming here that the man in question is a tourist from new south wales who has just won a scholarship for a three year course on how to butter up guards at the kremlin) do in moscow in front of the kremlin to the guards there? there can really only be one logical answer....a line dance. so as he attempts to have the guards line dance his devious plan of course all along was to distract them by this western buffoonery and while they were dancing he would walk casually into the kremlin steal the gold hidden in the dungeon and make his quick escape via a 'boat', which in this context actually refers to a bicycle, ride to the train station and be back safely at his hotel long before the guards at the kremlin stopped line dancing. well that was the plan but something went wrong, something went terribly, terribly wrong. what the man did not realize was that the guards were not in fact guards but grizzly bears and the kremlin was not in fact the kremlin but a cave and moscow was not in fact moscow but the wilderness of northern canada where the man had been lost without food or water for several days and was beginning to lose his mind.

so anyway, to make a long story short, the man was eaten by the bears, the bears were happy for the opportunity to have something to nibble on, and needless to say our poor unfortunate protagonist never got the gold he so desperately sought. he did however get a chance to enter through the golden gates of heaven where by an ironic twist of fate he met there a man in a coat who related a story to him about how he often swam, not in a communist moat but a big capitalist swimming pool outside his estate in new south wales. well i guess it's true what they say...if ever you go hiking in the northern canadian wilderness, make sure you stay at home!

Starship Boobyprise (you're killing yourself)

starship boobyprise flying tonight
look up way up in the sky and see a surprise
toe jam underpants skidding awhile
in the alley garbage can a loner on trial

big bob restaur awnt eating a meal
throwing down a water jug and pricking her heal
keep clean gasoline runnin' away
awful airy kinda scary froggy 'l say

stop check polarise the sun is okay
on a blurry undertaker acting a play
rubdown octogon meeting inside
periwinkle bloomin' on a lawn of a guy

someday cauterize flowin' in town
a boil a minute drippin' on an indigent clown
eat quick nevermind pick up the pace
save a little extra for a man in the race

you gotta look good in a gallery getting a tow

a towel in audio families holding their own
deriding a camelot paradise feeling at home
expending the energy lifting a bucket a gore
a meaningless solitude happily washing ashore

parading a remedy catalogue fitting the bill
a rabbit is holding a memory after the kill
podiatry walking impossibly going astray
he couldn a written a doodle an gotten away

a rower in oreo elegy idley doze
a cat of a kind of carnival comin' he goes
away an away an aware he is saddling up
a capital column a cavity filling the cup

essentially anything older regarding a pole
aladin 'l laugh an 'l live in a liquory hole
celerity larry an' loonier louis 'l know
y' gotta look good in a gallery getting a tow

Sunday, June 18, 2006

What I Should Bring

i really should bring a bassoon
a bassoon is a thing that i oon
a baboon, a balloon, a lagoon ala tune
i really should bring a bassoon

i really should bring a beret
a beret is a thing to hurray
a ballet, a monet, a delay a good day
i really should bring a beret

i really should bring a garage
a garage is a thing to portage
a collage, a mirage, an homage to massage
i really should bring a garage

i really should bring a guitar
a guitar is a thing that i are
a qatar, a sitar, a levar on a star
i really should bring a guitar

i really should bring a galoot
a galoot is thing i can shoot
a cheroot, a reboot or a newt in a suit
a really should bring a galoot

i think that is all i can bring
and i bring some adorable things
a ring on a string and a king of the swing
i think that is all i can bring

The Courtcase of Eddie's Father

ba-room, ba-room, ba-room, ba-room
people let me tell you 'bout a barroom brawl
it's a warm hearted cuddly fight
a great big bundle of spite

ba-room, ba-room, ba-room, ba-room
my dad got real drunk but wait that isn't all
he buggered a guy's face up tonight
and you know that isn't right

ba-room, ba-room, ba-room, ba-room
and then he drove his car and hit a policeman
and he killed the cop but didn't care
cause he wasn't even aware

ba-room, ba-room, ba-room, ba-room
but now he has to go to court you understand
cause drivin' drunk is not really fair
to people everywhere

Saturday, June 17, 2006

A Dog In The Bog

i very much like a dog in the bog
i do not like his paw eaten raw
i would not could not eat his black eyes
i should not stood not eat him with fries

he likes to play in the water you know
he likes to stay there in sleet or the snow
he never complains when the water is brown
he always keeps wearing an opposite frown

he sticks to the trails on a long nature hike
he rides a ten speed and a three wheeled trike
we go to the forest where trees are so green
he keeps his fur glossy and his figure so lean

i like my bog dog cause he is my good friend
i'll love him forever around every bend
people may ask why he hangs in the muck
i say cause he thinks he's a kind of a duck

a duck they will ask and i say yes it's true
and then they will nod and say how do you do
i shake with my hand as they offer me theirs
and prance about laughing in my underwear

my dog in the bog is a buddy of mine
i found him upon a small boat on the rhine
he was rowing the craft and i'll say that's a feat
cause his paws are much smaller than any you'd meet

how could he row when dogs aren't that smart
he can also lay claim to some very good art
he paints and he draws and directs the odd film
and fires the clay in his very own kiln

my dog is so great and i love him so much
he can sing he can dance and all sorts and all such
he's my dog in the bog and we'll always be mates
like a fig's not a fig without very good dates

Friday, June 16, 2006


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(now click on the link above)

Saturday, June 10, 2006

The problem with England

the problem with england is this. they will take something cool from america and just add a chimney sweep. whether it's music, television, movies or sports, whatever the brits fancy from across the pacific, to claim it as their own they will simply add a chimney sweep. cut it out britain, enough's enough. you're not fooling anybody over here with your "ew needs a sweep then guvnah?" or "clean your soot squire?" we know what it's all about and it's painfully clear. you have simply run out of ideas of your own, so to make it seem original you do this pathetic smoke passage preener impersonation of something usurped. well no more england, the games over, and i for one shall be packing up my board and thanking the good ol' u.s.of a's uncle sam that i still got plenty of fire power left in this six gun shooter to hit a bulls eye clear across this side of the rio grande. better luck next time matey.

Friday, June 9, 2006

day 273

it is now day 273 and HAL is really starting to piss me off. he keeps hiding my pornography dvds and replacing them with reruns of Gunsmoke, now i like Hoss, i'm really good friends with him actually but i mean come on already. i've approached him about this but all he says is "i'm detecting a fault" or "i know that you and frank were planning on disconnecting me (yak yak yak)" and there's not even anyone on board named frank. well at least i have my books, lets see here ah yes an old earth classic "the old man and the sea monster" or how about this one "warren piece" no that ones stupid. ahh I know i'll read this one "the five wandering acrobats meet john wilkes booth" let's see what it says on the back here, 'the story of how five circus members accidentally stumble through a time portal and come face to face with one of history's most notorious arch villians, abraham lincoln, and how a brave young man, john wilkes booth, courageously rids the united states of this large hatted, no moustache bearded menace'. well that certainly sounds like a fine read.
yes dave
(jesus i wish he'd stop calling me dave) could you turn on the lights in sector 7
sure dave how much wattage would you like
you decide HAL, surprise me
how does 100 sound
then it's decided
(the light turns on) ahhh now that's what i call service
(crowd cheers, curtain lowers and the emcee comes on stage)
thank you all for coming this evening, refreshments will be served on the lower deck. tonight we are featuring dehydrated spoons and a wonderful assortment of carpet fibres.
(the crowd not used to such food items becomes restless. sensing this, the emcee quickly tries to rectify the debacle)
what i mean to say is all those who have tickets for the next show can come down to the main office and fill out a form to have...(as he was speaking the words he knew he had lost his chain of thought and became confused)
to have...(he runs, off the stage and out the rear exit into the alley. there he encounters a garbage truck emptying a trash bin and decides to hijack the garbage truck)
get out of the truck motherfucker
(the driver, only three days on the job refuses to budge)
(the emcee becomes even more vehement)
i said out (suddenly he remembers an old shirley temple movie he saw where she is dancing and singing 'na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na' he recites this to the driver)
na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na (over and over)
(the driver now realizes all is lost and voluntarily removes himself from the vehicle)
fine take it i don't wanna be a garbage man anyway. i got my own stuff to do
(the crowd cheers, and the curtain closes on scene two)

happy holidays

well it's that time of year again. time to break out the pajamas and fill your undershorts with confetti. it's quite unfortunate that this holiday only comes once a week, why i wish every day could be slobberday. yes slobberday, it's the happiest day of week, well next to friday, although some people really enjoy sundays. i don't. i think sundays should be moved to thursdays and thursdays could then become wednesdays. in fact all the days of the week ought to be shuffled around every once in a while to keep people on their toes, i think thomas jefferson said that.

speaking of the jeffersons, did you ever see the one where wheezy went on a diet of mustard and ruined george's favorite tie by being so hungry and confused that she spread mustard all over it and tried to eat it. i think that was probably my favorite episode. or the one where lionel and jenny decide to stage a protest against dry cleaning solvents being used to add bulk to mustard, that was a good one. i wonder why so many episodes of the jefferson's revolved around mustard. norman lear sure had a lot of good ideas except for that one show that never made it past the pilot, why i remember it like it was just......

A pappy in the family by norman lear

pappy: hey all i'm home
big louie: hey pappy how was your day
pappy: ah geez look at this big louie asking questions again. why don't you stick to what you know best...Nothin'
big louie: hey c'mon pappy that aint fair, why i know plenty
pappy: yea like what
big louie: like i know why you aint got your lunch box with you
pappy: and whys that
big louie: cause i seen smelly ernie today at long tony's and he told me that you was down at the happy rowboat
eating your lunch when all of a sudden a mugger came up and stole your lunch box
pappy: ahh smelly ernie went and yapped on about dat dere ting like dat dis here
big louie: yea and then he said that you went after the mugger and clubbed him one over the head with a rock and killed him
pappy: well let me say this about that (crowd cheers) i aint never gonna give no mugger a hoot n holler about no gaddamn crapoo. muggers in this city are as good as a ghost on easter sunday
big louie: you mean risen from the dead and goin' off to somewheres else
pappy: no i mean hiding in chocolate eggs and giving ya gas when you try to digest them (crowd moans)
big louie: say pappy you oughtn't say things like that about muggers
pappy: why the hell not dere dis here.
big louie: cause it aint nice
pappy: ahh geez

the end

too bad cbs never picked that one up


lotsa people like stuff. i once knew a guy who had ...oh never mind it's a long boring story but's something i know you'll really like. look up now and tell me what you see. it tiz no surprise now what you see is me. how come stupid things are so dumb?

I have several questions pour vous:
1) what's that guy doing?
2) who went where in his pajamas?
3) is that thing on my head getting bigger?
4) how come the ugly people are always everywhere?
5) is it wrong to have an acid flashback?
6) who said, "today is the day i break wind forever"
7) if you and i are here is it best we do in fact 'put it there'
8) can you lift a hundred pounds
9) it's too hot today?
10) won't you come home bill daily?

well these are not easy questions to answer but i shall try
1) juggling
2) brian keith in st. gary's cathedral
3) only when it is humid
4) because that is the way the "littlest hobos" of the world like it
5) only if it's longer than seven yards
6) gassy harry and the 3rd avenue minstrels
7) not necessarily though to be honest, yes under no circumstances
8) of feathers or bricks? that is the real conundrum
9) not if you're a leotard
10) this is a trick question, nobody wants bill daily back home

something to consider on those long nights away from your favorite alcoholic.