Friday, December 30, 2011

dwdeclare - Anonypuss

hey look! it's the new album by dw! 
dw? not dwdeclare? is it out now?
ah ha.
oh dw! dw, how could you do such a thing?
ha! why do you think? because of you, you little tramp!
this go 'round, all the songs on dw's new album are arranged for the first time according to height and popularity.

tell you what i'm gonna do. for today only, and for the rest of time, i'm gonna let you download this album gratis and pro bono. that's right my latin fiend...i mean friend...i said free and for the public good. all yous gots to do is click on this word here (or the download torrent fidgety widget below) and then follow the yellow brick torrent.

included with this deal is dwdeclare's smash hit breakout first album as well as a complementary blowjob (just kidding...that one i'll have to charge you for). so act now or forever hold your penis.

Tucson Stomata

An aerial photo of the San Gabriel neighborhood in Tucson looks like a pea leaf stoma

Friday, December 23, 2011

Paper Typewriter [original song]

i had something to say
now i kind of forgot
and it was really important too
or so i thought
i shoulda jotted dotted it all down
with my paper typewriter

i'll put everything i think
into a letter or word
it doesn't matter if it's sensible
or kind of absurd
we gotta get around to gettin' it out
of my paper typewriter

there's an ideal dream
that's stuck inside her head
she's tired of livin' the lies
somebody else has said
you can make it all real if you want
with my paper typewriter

i had something to say
now i kind of forgot
and it was really important too
or so i thought
i shoulda jotted dotted it all down
with my paper typewriter

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Lady Bulldog (Hillbilly Square Dance)

a combination of lady madonna, hey bulldog, and added guitar parts from me. all sung with the lyrics from the square dance scene from the bugs bunny episode, "hillbilly hare". enjoy!

Promenade across the floor
Sashay right on out the door
Out the door and in to the glade
And everybody promenade

Step right up, you're doing fine
I'll pull your beard, you pull mine
Yank it again, like you did before
Break it up with a tug of war

Now into the brook and fish for the trout
Dive right in and splash about
Trout, trout, pretty little trout
One more splash and come right out

Shake like a hound dog, shake again
Wallow around in the old pig pen
Wallow some more, you all know how
Roll around like an old fat sow
Allemande left with your left hand
Follow through with a right-left grand
Now lead your partner, the dirty ol' thing
Follow through with an elbow swing
Grab a fence post, hold it tight
Whomp your partner with all your might
Hit him in the shin, hit him in the head
Hit him again, the critter ain't dead
Wop him low and wop him high
Stick your finger in his eye
Pretty little rhythm, pretty little sound
Bang your heads against the ground

Promenade all around the room
Promenade like a bride and groom
Open up the door and step right in
Close the door and into a spin
Whirl, whirl, twist and twirl
Jump all around like a flying squirrel
Now don't you cuss and don't you swear
Just come right out and form a square

Now right hand over and left hand under
Both join hands and run like thunder
Over the hill and over the dale
Duck your head and lift your tail

Don't you stray and don't you roam
Turn it around and promenade home
Corn in the crib pen, wheat in the sack
Turn your partner, promenade back

And now you're home
Bow to your partner
Bow to the gent across the hall
And that is all

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Snow Spider [original song]

snow spider
snow spider yea yea

something is crawlin'
out in my backyard
when the flakes have fallen
i wonder what you are

snow spider
diggin' your company
snow spider
steppin' out over me

jumpin' around him
all the young girls scream
but he can't hear them shoutin'
he's caught up in his scene

snow spider
diggin' your company
snow spider
steppin' out over me

after the meltin'
i didn't see you here
don't know what happened
baby you disappeared

snow spider
diggin' your company
snow spider
steppin' out over me

snow spider
diggin' your company
snow spider
steppin' out over me

snow spider
snow spider yea yea
snow spider
snow spider yea yea

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Friday, December 2, 2011

Surfin' Savior [original song]

christmas comes but once a year
santa's sleighboard and reindeer
do you love me
do you surfin' savior

"in the manger, born today"
whisper snowmen on the waves
do you love me
do you surfin' savior

we'll take a sleigh ride o'er the ocean
on this christmas morn
'cause santa's angels made it frozen
so we can ride his sleighboard

jesus surfs for me and you
santa makes christmas come true
do you love me
do you surfin' savior

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Rick Perry: Forgetful Wolf?

rick perry's performance last night at the republican presidential debate reminded me of that bugs bunny cartoon, "hare-less wolf". see for yourself:

Sunday, October 23, 2011

What Do You Call A Feline With A Permanent Erection?

A: Priapuss

Friday, September 30, 2011

If you met God, would you punch him in the face for causing so much fussin' an' a-feudin'?

some crybaby christian complained to yahoo answers and had that question deleted. really? that upsets you? i'm sure if god existed he could easily dodge a punch anyway.

christians...they're so touchy.

it's a good thing i didn't ask what i originally wanted to. it wasn't subjecting god to a punch, believe me.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

We Are Anonypuss

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Darn Those Wacky Edmonton Police

Oh those crazy Edmonton cops and their police brutality.

what silly hijinks are they up to this time?

Saturday, August 13, 2011

What's the Protein's Favorite Amino Acid Sitcom?

A: I Love Leucine

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Beatle Juice

Artist Marc Valega designed the boxes for this imaginary collection of Beatle Beverages. Not included in the fictitious flavours are Peach Best and Starfruit Sutcliffe.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Fred Hardcore

So who knew that the reverend Fred Phelps and porn star Max Hardcore were the same person?

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Chaz Shandling

Is it just me or does Chaz Bono kind of look like Garry Shandling?

you would think that if a woman were going to have a sex change, she would choose to look like someone who is a little more attractive than garry shandling. not that garry shandling is necessarily an ugly man mind you, but i mean, come on! what, were they having a sale that day on the garry shandling look or something? man, splurge a bit and at least go for the david brenner or even the gilbert gottfried maybe, but don't walk in the store and go directly to the bargain basement.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Charles Darwin's Library Digitized

The Biodiversity Heritage Library has digitized the books of Charles Darwin's personal library. It is utterly fascinating to read some of the annotations that Darwin himself has scrawled in the margins of many of his books.

Here is one such example from page 276 of  The American beaver and his works by Lewis H. Morgan, where Mr. Darwin has written:
American beaver stay away from me. American beaver mama let me be. Don't come a-dammin' around my door. I don't wanna see your furry face no more.
With atypical Victorian gentlemanliness, he pens his irritation of the Yankee Castor while showing his wonderful sense of humour and lyrical ability.

click the image to enlarge

Friday, May 27, 2011

Waking Up In A Forest Dream

Monday, May 23, 2011

What Did The Constipated Baseball Player Do?

he called in a pinch shitter.

Friday, May 13, 2011

DW DECLARE all my best

get the new double album from dwdeclare
out now!


back to the rack


"this album was created by a man who is a special career field agent in opening a can of musical whoop-ass"
"i think dwdeclare is the sultry voice of a whole new generation of human beings who like music"

"when i first heard the album i thought, 'wow'. then when i listened to it a second time i said, 'holy mackerel'"
"i knew dwdeclare when he was just a boy,. whatever he tells you about that time in the church basement is a lie"

"this is what music is supposed to sound like, are you listening hawksley workman?"

"most of the time when you turn on the radio you hear songs, sometimes some advertising and occasionally a special sporting radio talks to me"

"i find it frightening how much i like all my best by dwdeclare. he really knows how to make music using only a violin bow, a 40 ounce bottle of rum and a home enema kit"

"every song is an instant classic, no i mean that...honestly"

"you can sure hear the degrassi influence in a lot of his songs, "everybody wants something..." stupid wheels"

"if there's a man who can write better songs and make you feel like dancing i'd sure like to meet him. maybe we could go out for dinner or something...i'm really lonely"

"if i could play music like dwdeclare i wouldn't need the talcum powder"

"one time i was watching benny hill and a female reporter was wearing a button labeled "press" on her chest, so benny hill pressed it...that was funny"

"i like the way dw can make you feel like laughing and showering at the same time"

"after listening to all my best by dwdeclare in it's entirety, i no longer have cancer of the rectum"

and this is just a sampling of the dozens of made up accolades for the new album, all my best by dwdeclare. in stores, online, out to lunch and appearing off broadway now.

you can download the album here or by clicking the download torrent below. this also includes dwdeclare's second release all for the incredibly low price of free! now that's an unbeatable offer.

Monday, May 9, 2011

In The Outhouse (Lurks A Lady)

in the outhouse
by the peace pipe
lurks a lady
near the ass wipe.

like a phantom
with a hardon,
in a dish rag
saying so long

to a candle
singing for me,
but she'll never
win a tony.

'cause the carpet
stained with toe jam
lost a contest
in her trash can.

seems that weirdos
on her jukebox
passed out needles
while in detox.

but the moral
of the story
isn't known yet
there's no glory.

she's a jackknife
with no handle;
broken pieces
in a pfandl.

she's like blown glass
with no offspring
just a briefcase
and one earring.

she's a roadblock
holding traffic
to a standstill
by some heat stick.

hope she lingers
for a while
on the staircase
or the stile,

'cause i want to
build a footbridge
cross her river
of hot porridge;

but her tantrums
drinking sloe gin
leave me tone deaf
with a clothes pin.

i can't take it
when she's sleeping
on a mattress
with no box spring.

she has breakfast
every evening
in a birdbath
and it's freezing.

she sees rejects
over cloudbursts
and sends post cards
wearing pampers.

then some desk clerk
winked his eyeball
so she quickly
made a phone call.

now they hopscotch
nearing midnight
with no shoes on
or a flashlight.

they are two seeds
in a jam jar
going nowhere
in a sports car.

curse the outhouse
by the peace pipe
and the lady
near the ass wipe

Monday, May 2, 2011

Osama Bin Laden: Postcard From Heaven

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

How To End War & Fighting

Support The Mime Troupes

Friday, March 18, 2011

Supermoon on Saturday, March 19, 2011? - Not Really

The average distance from the Earth to the Moon is 384,400 km. On Saturday, March 19, 2011, the Moon will be 356,577 km away. It will of course maintain it's diameter of 3,474 km. Using the small angle formula, we can determine how much bigger the moon will appear.

Here is the small angle formula: (angular diameter in arcseconds times the distance of the object) divided by (206,265) equals the diameter of the object.

Entering in the appropriate figures, we find that normally the Moon's angular diameter in the sky is 31.07 arcminutes or about half a degree, or what a dime would look like at a distance of 2 meters. On Saturday, the Moon's angular diameter will be about 33.49 arcminutes, bringing in that dime about 15 centimeters closer.

That difference of 2.42 arcminutes, by the way, is equivalent to what our dime would look like at 25.5 meters; or to put it another way, if the Moon looks like a dime at 2 meters, a difference of 2.42 arcminutes is less than the thickness of a dime from that same distance. So add that on to what the Moon normally looks like, and you begin to appreciate what a wondrous celestial event awaits us on March 19.

You will love the Supermoon on Saturday if you are impressed by the size of a dime from 1.85 meters away, but for most of us, we won't even notice the pun intended.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Whiplash Exercises

I was involved in an automobile accident about three months ago. I was stopped behind a car when I was rear-ended by some inattentive young arse who I think was yacking on his cell phone. He said he did not even apply his brakes when he hit me...the speed limit on that road was 50km/hr, so he banged into me quite hard.

When I got out of my car I was fucking furious. I took a look at his vehicle with it's front end smashed in and his windshield cracked all to hell from his airbags going off and berated him by saying, among other things, "Look at this piece of shit car your driving, you shouldn't even be on the road!". Of course it looked like that because he had just rammed into me, but being in kind of a daze from the accident I wasn't really thinking straight.

At any rate, I suffered a whiplash injury. I could still move my neck so I wasn't too concerned about it and as a result I didn't seek any treatment. Now here it is three months later and my neck is still sore.

I finally started some proper stretching exercises with a physical therapist a couple of weeks ago. The treatments also involved applying moist heat to my neck.
Theratherm small (7x15) model 1030

All of the exercises that the physical therapist advised me to do are in the helpful video below, which includes some other beneficial stretches as well. I also wrap a Theratherm digital moist heating pad around my neck a few times a day for about 25 minutes, which is quite soothing. It has a velcro strap on it to keep it securely in place.

(The heat pad wasn't cheap, the one I bought cost almost $100, but the insurance company of the person who hit me paid for it, so that was alright.)

PMG Rehab Self-Help. Chapter 3: Whiplash Exercises from Premier Medical Group Ltd on Vimeo.

Take my advice. If you have suffered an injury in a motor vehicle accident, kick the living shit out of the person who hit you right that's not what I wanted to say. What i actually meant was, even if you don't feel your injury is that bad, seek medical help as soon as possible before it becomes worse. This is after all your own well being we're talking about here, so take care!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

God Hates Figs

Jer 24:2  The other basket had very naughty figs, which could not be eaten, they were so bad.
Jer 24:8  And as the evil figs, which cannot be eaten, they are so evil; surely thus saith the LORD, So will I give Zedekiah the king of Judah, and his princes, and the residue of Jerusalem, that remain in this land, and them that dwell in the land of Egypt:
Jer 29:17  Thus saith the LORD of hosts; Behold, I will send upon them the sword, the famine, and the pestilence, and will make them like vile figs, that cannot be eaten, they are so evil.
The Reverend Fred Phelps proudly displays a sign expressing God's contempt for the foul fruit.
Mark 11:12  And on the morrow, when they were come from Bethany, he was hungry:
Mark 11:13  And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet.
Mark 11:14  And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever. And his disciples heard it.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Crested Saguaro

A rare example of a crested saguaro along the Sweetwater Trail in Saguaro National Park just west of Tucson, Arizona. Cresting occurs in approximately 1 in every 200,000 saguaros.
 From Wikipedia
Fasciation (or cresting) is a condition of plant growth in which the apical meristem, normally concentrated around a single point, producing approximately cylindrical tissue, becomes elongated perpendicularly to the direction of growth, producing flattened, ribbon-like, crested, or elaborately contorted tissue. The phenomenon may occur in the stem, root, fruit, or flower head.
Fasciation can be caused by a mutation in the meristematic cells, bacterial infection, mite or insect attack, or chemical or mechanical damage. Some plants may inherit the trait.
Fasciation is rare overall, but has been observed in at least a hundred different plant species, including members of Aloe, Celosia, Delphinium, Digitalis, Euphorbia, Forsythia, Primula, Acer, Prunus and many genera of Cactaceae (cactus) and Salix. Cresting results in undulating folds instead of the typical "arms" found on mature Saguaro cactus. Some varieties of Celosia are raised especially for their dependably fasciated flower heads, for which they are called "cockscomb".

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The West's Biggest Fear Regarding Egypt

This video reveals the shocking truth of what could happen to Egypt if President Mubarak steps down.
*WARNING* some scenes may be too horrifying and disturbing for more sensitive viewers!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Christina Aguilera - Star Spangled Boner

Maybe she can get a web redemption on Tosh.0

Friday, February 4, 2011

Shittin' Western Style [original song]

I shat in California;
took a dump in Arizona.
I had a crap in Idaho
and in New Mexico.

The shit a took in a motel
in Helena, Montana,
was long and fibrous quite unlike
the puddle in Nevada.

A mighty stool slipped out of me
in Monticello, Utah.
It gave me visions now i say
the Beehive State is Pootah.

I shat in California;
took a dump in Arizona.
I had a crap in Idaho
and in New Mexico.

I had a rainy anus in
Seattle, Washington;
an oddly shaped spaghetti poop
in Portland, Oregon.

The biggest turd I ever passed
was in El Paso, Texas.
It must have been at least a yard
and really left me breathless.

I shat in California;
took a dump in Arizona.
I had a crap in Idaho
and in New Mexico.

While in Wyoming on the pot
I thought about Dick Cheney.
I imagined pooing in his mouth.
Come on now, can you blame me?

So these are all the western states
where I have dropped my scat.Oh,
I'll mention I drove through but didn't
shit in Colorado.

I shat in California;
took a dump in Arizona.
I had a crap in Idaho
and in New Mexico. (repeat and fade out)

Monday, January 31, 2011

Sharif Abdel Brady?

I kind of think that Democracy Now's senior producer Sharif Abdel Kouddous has a sort of nutty Gary Cole as Mike Brady thing goin' on.
a wise man once said, "wherever you go...there you are."

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

President Obama State of the Union Address 2011 - an excerpt

the following is a brief excerpt from President Obama's 2011 State of the Union Address which was broadcast earlier this evening:
My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but
tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward,
and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Hauled Away As Garbage!

Here is what J. Eric Fuller actually blurted out to Trent Humphries at the town hall meeting last Saturday in Tucson which subsequently got him ejected and arrested. It is unknown who took the photograph of him.

I didn't mean to say that simple-minded Tea Party rednecks should be hauling garbage.
I meant to say that they should be hauled away...
AS garbage !

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Cats I've Met While On Vacation

Weasel, San Francisco 2006
Random Friend, near All Vegan, San Diego 2007
Graveyard Kitty, while looking for Johnny Ramone's memorial at Hollywood Forever Cemetery, Los Angeles 2008
 Sleepy Cat, Abominable Snowmansion, Arroyo Seco 2009
Sausage Monkey, Mt. Lemmon Ski Valley, Tucson 2010
Junior, Adelaide Inn, Paso Robles 2012
Moab kitty, on our way to Love Muffin, Moab 2013
Cagney's Cats, Warner Brothers Studio, Los Angeles 2014

Sunday, January 16, 2011

What Kind Of Cat Do You Find At College

A campuss

Who Starred In Trapper Schlong, M.D.

Pornell Roberts

Where Did The Invader of The Roman Empire Get His Hair Cut?

At the barbar shop

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Startling New WikiLeaks Disclosure

Toothpaste in Britain contains 85% pure cane sugar according to new WikiLeaks Colgate redactions...
...that actually explains a lot.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Dan Aykroyd and Dr. Michael Lemole

Is it just me...or do these two guys kind of look alike?

...and while I'm on the subject of look alikes, how about the tall elf from Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer and Ned Ryerson from Groundhog Day?

Saturday, January 8, 2011

From The Beginning of Nudge, Nudge - Monty Python

This scene from the beginning of the Monty Python sketch "Nudge, Nudge" only takes about five seconds, but it shows a wonderful comedic brilliance and an honest subtlety in the way it's acted.

What could the man at the bar possibly be reading that is so interesting to the half mesmerized interloper beside him?
Oh, oh...he's been found out.
"Cor blimey squire, that's a good one eh? Know what I mean?"
Annoyed, the patron raises his eyelids in silent, bewildered astonishment. One can almost here him thinking, "What's with this nutter?"

Friday, January 7, 2011

It's Real Hard To Be Free When You Are Bought And Sold In The Marketplace

You know, this used to be a hell of a good country. I can't understand what's gone wrong with it.

Man everybody got chicken, that's what happened man. Hey we can't even get into a second-rate hotel, I mean, a second-rate motel, you dig? They think we'd cut their throat. They're scared.

They're not scared of you. They're scared of what you represent to them.

All we represent to them is somebody who needs a haircut.

Oh, no. What you represent to freedom.

What the hell's wrong with freedom man what it's all about.

Oh yeah, that's right. That's what it's all about. But talking about it and being it that's two different things. It's real hard to be free when you are bought and sold in the marketplace. Don't tell anybody that they're not
free, because they'll get busy killing and maiming to prove to you that they are. They're going to talk to you and talk to you and talk to you about individual freedom. But they see a free individual, it's going to scare them.

Well, it don't make them running scared.

No, it makes them dangerous. Ni, ni, ni, ni, Swamp.


Do you ever....You ever talk to bullfrogs in the middle of the night?

Not generally.

You don't?

No, man.

You know what I used to do?

What did you used to do?

Well I tell you one thing I didn't used to do is talk to bullfrogs in the middle of the night, foolish.

You're out of your mind!

That's right.

You Barely Hear A Peep

There's been a lot of buzz lately about the thousands of Red-Winged Blackbirds found dead in Arkansas this past weekend. Even Universe Today is taking notice in a piece from January 6, 2011 called, Aflockalypse:
5,000 blackbirds falling dead from the sky in Arkansas; tens of thousands of dead fish in Chesapeake Bay; 50-100 dead birds found strewn in lawns in Sweden; 40,000 dead crabs washed up on England’s shores; 530 penguins, numerous other seabirds, five dolphins, and three giant sea turtles dead in Brazil; 200 American Coots dead on a Texas bridge; hundreds of snapper fish dead in New Zealand. And the list keeps growing.
Were these deaths caused by humans polluting the air, land and water? Perhaps, but each year in the U.S. alone people are directly responsible for the deaths of:
38 million cows and calves, 95 million hogs, 5 million sheep and goats, 278 million turkeys, 20 million ducks, and over 7 billion chickens. Most of these animals are bred, raised and killed on enormous mechanized farms that specialize in one species and house hundreds or thousands of animals at a time. (Deep Vegetarianism, Fox 1999)
and you barely hear a peep about that!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Hey You Bastards...I'm Still Here!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Michael Moore On Bradley Manning

from The Rachel Maddow Show 12/21/10
Bradley Manning, this man has been in solitary confinement for seven months, seven months; and his crime is, his crime, is that he did what they said at Nuremburg we're to do. If you see something happening, especially during wartime, that is illegal, immoral, you have a responsibility as a human being to stand up and say something; and he came across, allegedly, the video of our soldiers firing from a helicopter and murdering two reporters from Reuters along with a bunch of Iraqi civilians. That is being done in my name and with my tax dollars. I want to know when that's going on, and I admire anybody who stands up and tells us that's going on. He should be rewarded, not be in prison.
 Amen my good man! A-fuckin'-men!
Leaks don't kill people, secrets do. ~ Michael Moore