Friday, March 16, 2007


i had a drink of water
that dripped out from my tap
i stepped out to the starry night

and saw jupiter like that
the night sky was rife with chlorophyll
and divers from above
i sought to magnify their origins
and shower them with love

but then i saw enceladus

like drops into my sink

i felt so strong like hercules
that i broke a tile a think

how the sun did granulate
as i slipped on bentonite
but a thought did then occur to me
in galactic form tonight
god didn't blow His nose but would've a

to form the cat's eye nebula

10 Confusing Simon Cowell Remarks

10 confusing simon cowell remarks to contestants on american idol (in no particular order):

1 your performance was like a kamikaze pilot walking into a dark room with a potato in one hand and a large rolling pin in the other twirling to the tune of hogan's was horrendous

2 i think what paula is trying to say is that it was like sonny bono on the love boat playing shuffleboard with zsa zsa gabor and getting beaten badly...very amateurish

3 it reminded me of a dwarf climbing to the top of the crows nest aboard the hms beagle doing his impersonation of axl rose...i thought it was very karaoke

4 to me it was like a massive cumulonimbus cloud raining sulfuric acid onto a bust of the shah of iran with madagascan lemurs all standing around reading from the book of job...i didn't like it at all

5 what it reminded me of was a seventy year old wheat farmer square dancing with a typewriter in the middle of a crowded theater with no exits while elmer fudd in drag serves stale crisps at the concession was a bit too cabaret

6 i have to disagree with randy on this one. i thought that your performance was more like a robot who had been beaten up by rocky balboa and is now working part time as a door to door pencil can do much better

7 do you know what it reminded me of? it was like one of those things you see hanging from the ceiling of a medieval dungeon with a little note on it saying "see you on the flip side"...i thought it was very old fashioned

8 okay look, if i'm being honest, the problem with that was you came here looking more like herve villichez in a nightdress thumbing through the yellow pages attempting to locate a twenty-four hour plumber while standing on what appears to be a pile of broken glass...remember this is a singing competition

9 i'm not being rude but that was like a clown riding in the back of a speeding lorry with a flat tire on his way to a convention of estate agents all looking like they would rather be floating in a pool of liquid methane....i thought it was very boring

10 what this was like was when you feel that you've forgotten someone's name you go out to hail a cab in the pouring rain wearing a tea cozy for a hat while prancing like some member of the roman senate reciting his laundry list...i don't know who you are

Thursday, March 15, 2007

The Hummer Constant

I have devised a simple yet effective formula for determining the ethical character and reasoning abililty of people who drive.

The size, power and loudness of a vehicle and the amount of pollution it emits is in direct inverse proportion to the intellectual capacity of the driver.

The greater the amount of one
the less the amount of the other.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Dreaming Near The Speed of Light

I have become convinced that I dream relativisticly, specificly at 99.5% of the speed of light or 298,500 km/s. Using the Lorentz formula for time dilation where the time (T) of the observer of my phenomenon (my dream) equals my dream time (T1) divided by the square root of 1-(v/c)^2, where v/c is the percentage of the speed of light, in this case .995, I find that last night only .5 hour had elapsed on the clock in my dream yet when I awoke, fully 5 hours had passed.

Tonight I will test the Lorentz formula for length contraction as I plan to dream about Ernest Borgnine. (I have no idea what I mean by that).

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Water vapour Hydrogen Ammonia Methane

Q: Where does Stanley Miller pee?

A: In a Ureynal.

Friday, March 2, 2007

The Kitten's Favorite Unstable Particle

Q: What is the kitten's favorite unstable particle?

A: A muon (mew-on)

Water Drop Molecule Gas Mask