Friday, May 27, 2011

Waking Up In A Forest Dream

Monday, May 23, 2011

What Did The Constipated Baseball Player Do?

he called in a pinch shitter.

Friday, May 13, 2011

DW DECLARE all my best

get the new double album from dwdeclare
out now!


back to the rack


"this album was created by a man who is a special career field agent in opening a can of musical whoop-ass"
"i think dwdeclare is the sultry voice of a whole new generation of human beings who like music"

"when i first heard the album i thought, 'wow'. then when i listened to it a second time i said, 'holy mackerel'"
"i knew dwdeclare when he was just a boy,. whatever he tells you about that time in the church basement is a lie"

"this is what music is supposed to sound like, are you listening hawksley workman?"

"most of the time when you turn on the radio you hear songs, sometimes some advertising and occasionally a special sporting radio talks to me"

"i find it frightening how much i like all my best by dwdeclare. he really knows how to make music using only a violin bow, a 40 ounce bottle of rum and a home enema kit"

"every song is an instant classic, no i mean that...honestly"

"you can sure hear the degrassi influence in a lot of his songs, "everybody wants something..." stupid wheels"

"if there's a man who can write better songs and make you feel like dancing i'd sure like to meet him. maybe we could go out for dinner or something...i'm really lonely"

"if i could play music like dwdeclare i wouldn't need the talcum powder"

"one time i was watching benny hill and a female reporter was wearing a button labeled "press" on her chest, so benny hill pressed it...that was funny"

"i like the way dw can make you feel like laughing and showering at the same time"

"after listening to all my best by dwdeclare in it's entirety, i no longer have cancer of the rectum"

and this is just a sampling of the dozens of made up accolades for the new album, all my best by dwdeclare. in stores, online, out to lunch and appearing off broadway now.

you can download the album here or by clicking the download torrent below. this also includes dwdeclare's second release all for the incredibly low price of free! now that's an unbeatable offer.

Monday, May 9, 2011

In The Outhouse (Lurks A Lady)

in the outhouse
by the peace pipe
lurks a lady
near the ass wipe.

like a phantom
with a hardon,
in a dish rag
saying so long

to a candle
singing for me,
but she'll never
win a tony.

'cause the carpet
stained with toe jam
lost a contest
in her trash can.

seems that weirdos
on her jukebox
passed out needles
while in detox.

but the moral
of the story
isn't known yet
there's no glory.

she's a jackknife
with no handle;
broken pieces
in a pfandl.

she's like blown glass
with no offspring
just a briefcase
and one earring.

she's a roadblock
holding traffic
to a standstill
by some heat stick.

hope she lingers
for a while
on the staircase
or the stile,

'cause i want to
build a footbridge
cross her river
of hot porridge;

but her tantrums
drinking sloe gin
leave me tone deaf
with a clothes pin.

i can't take it
when she's sleeping
on a mattress
with no box spring.

she has breakfast
every evening
in a birdbath
and it's freezing.

she sees rejects
over cloudbursts
and sends post cards
wearing pampers.

then some desk clerk
winked his eyeball
so she quickly
made a phone call.

now they hopscotch
nearing midnight
with no shoes on
or a flashlight.

they are two seeds
in a jam jar
going nowhere
in a sports car.

curse the outhouse
by the peace pipe
and the lady
near the ass wipe

Monday, May 2, 2011

Osama Bin Laden: Postcard From Heaven