A Yuletide Message from Papillon

The Two Ronnieboids

אחב

LOVE aw-hab
i see ראח
raw-aw food diet

golden curled Phoebus and his intemperate light

את ברא
lying asleep we're sedate
bring back the universe
it's never too late to live inside the aisle
for a while
when you leave the picture show

perfidus granum
growing in the air
across the alley under the glare
the love is within and diligere
take care
i read the news today אבוי

i said of laughter it is mad
and of mirth, what doeth it
i made a versprechen
and all before breakfast

ponder me until the falling leaves
and the winter reams her out
the air is crisp with fleece
and done with transparencies

she saw through the window
her eyes rejecting back
a is for apple
j is for jack
a liniment of rum can cure all that

understanding intellectus
love's adobe will infect us
in truth a say verily vero
the number's one which came from zero

old fashioned shepherd's purse
willing toward a second verst
climbing up she reached her goal
the dream is begun just like of old

embryonic elegance
forty asian elephants
3 notes are all you need
for a good idea to conceive

wrapped in squabbling clothes
the baby cried for fresh air
the muscles in her lungs contracted
and pulled in the carbon monoxide

she bought a new truck today
and befouled the lord's breath
she's god awful luck today
i wonder who'll be neckßt
ßßßßßß
the life is coming out of the earth

you've finally went and done it
you maniacs
what exactly is within your being
why don't you let the best be realised
and all the rest be lysed

2

remember summer of 1978
if love was there it's certainly great
it's all there in your sedimentary banks
be guilty and give thanks

fucking screwdrivers !

her vulpeculiar dress with polka dot leaves
me crying outside in coconut "trees
on" she exclaimed from inside the room
was dank from empty tombs

right turns in traffic
cars honking and killing
the air is befouled with exhaust
oh what cost it is to drive
in a one time world we've got

on a path in the valley it is green
not specifically but passively
the wet soil is wormed and sow-bugged
a caterpillar dripped onto me

bitter tastes still fill the '80's air
who stole the summer
when the workmen paved the river
there is a layer of mazama ash
if you look for it

ridiculous rum purrs loudly
in the cider in the barn where the chickens are
there is a message in the balloon
it says 'i love you'
i think it is september

let's go to school
i don't want to go
though sometimes i do
if only just to see my friends
in my head
who all wish i was dead
that fucking asshole threw mud at me
and told me not to gawk
well whose laughing now you ugly creep
you're spooning pablum without a cock

my thumbs in your eyes look red today
oh wait that's your eyeball
it tastes delicious in my revenge
yell at me from your pick-up truck will you

II
get in line
it's time
not for me it isn't

one plus one is one
thesis plus antithesis is joined
in the best and the worst of both worlds
take from your parents what you will
they are why you are but not wholly
they're the prejudices that they told me

all molecules and atoms and quarks and monads
make up it all
let's go to the annual atomic ball
and let gravity be helpless
because we have a choice

she danced with me
god i thought she was so pretty
and she liked me
it was psycho-delic
then the cops came
and i never saw her again
fucking screwdrivers!

i am creation

i am here
as you are there
and we are all aware of one another

coming from a dustspeck
waiting for a mind to come
if i'm waiting for a mind
and i know my place and time
it is being that i am

i sense a body
do they sense the same thing
i am creation

what is the beginning
when everything that came before
has made it a beginning
or is it the end
again and again
i am creation

our definition of living
is far too narrow
to encompass what is real
independent of what we all believe
is actually the truth
there is no beginning
there will never be an ending
i am creation
row row your boat

Let the flowers of humanity grow

'what do you people want anyway?'
the workmen kept digging
i don't think they care about hurting others
as long as they keep getting paid

men like to make loud noises
the bass in their big black pick-up trucks
acts like some sort of grouse mating call
'thinkin' with yer dick again 'eh?'

the only difference between men and women
is how their stupid parents bring them up
give the girl a doll
and the boy a truck

parents are the biggest propagators of ignorance
(stick your kid in the back of your suv
with the exhaust pumping right in your sprog's face
everyone who drives a fossil fuel burning car
is an ecological terrorist)

they are supposed to take care of their kids
teach them to think ethically for themselves
instead what do they do
drill into their sponge minds the way its always been
parents never change their prejudiced views
how can a kid learn how to improve her life
when her parents, teachers and upholders of the combine
just want her as an economic tool
bloody fools

everything you see is a sign
learn how to read it
learn what it means
everything around you is a symptom
learn what has caused it
instead of altering the result with poison
now you've really fucked her up
ASSHOLES!

talk to her
don't pump her with chemical concoctions
listen to her
don't punish her when she's being obnoxious

it's no wonder kids hate authority
it's like a dandelion that just wants to grow
it knows
but some people don't want her there

99% of what you've been taught
is taught just to serve someone else's idea
of the way they think it should be
so they can make lots of money

'money can be exchanged for goods and services'
yea it can also be used to keep food from the needy
and give pick-up trucks to the greedy

drop out of the way its always been
serve me at the expense of you
turn on to a better way of universal unity with all beings
through caring about others for a change
then tune back in to tell others what you know
and let the flowers of humanity grow

how hot is it today?

i heard the caragana seeds crackling today
like a mountain bonfire
in the scorching pollution
with the sunlight blowing through the leaves
on the crackered path
the shade wasn't really there
but the cats always always think its material

gathering and interpreting data
everything is a sign
a symptom
a result

the rainbow around the sun
the grass growing left or right

it's so noisy today
but its nice here anyway
with you by the river
separated into all its parts
its hard to tell where the sky starts
and the gourd grows

the universes are one and poetic
singing a diffident chorus in my eyes
she can talk to colors
and they obey her every olfactory taste

i thought that sounded like a magpie
but the crow tricked me
i knew there must have been something wrong
when his photosynthetic cry shed a tear

'oh dear who said the end is near'
but i just stared there
beside the future paved canal
and went back to sleep
it's wormy here
with all these people crawling around
they kill with their cars don't they?

the silt sifted slowly
in silent reminiscences of sour gas being spewed
what's that you say
you think its all bullshit
how hot is it today?

love is better than hate

it took a while for the clock to tick
but once it did
i felt a prick
in the back of the line
it took a while for the thought to click but once it did it went through me like a midwife with the aborted baby's knife


the vermiform appendage stuck to me and dripped bloody flowers onto the bed. it was a hot day i knew it would have been anyway.the brass bed was red. the mattress stank of cuntry and western slaughter. the nerds laughter rang out in sinful disguise. the baby had four yeses and a runny nose and eyes in the back of its dead head. it could see but it couldn't plead anymore

i couldn't read anymore. i had to run out of the room back into my mother's tomb. i heard a murmur, then a thud i think she landed in the soggy mud. it was the mid-sixties i remember or was it december of the tenement house where she was a tenant with a mouse for a friend and a lended hand for sexual gladification. she graduated with honors and left the street when love became a love and a love became a whore. next door the flowers knew how to grow, she loved them, i removed them like blue cheese molding in the fridge and threw it away.

oh what fun it is to deride when the blond girl thinks she is ugly. the music rang and saturday sang on october first when she was next to be cathected and rereleased into the christian cathedral.

love is better than hate

overcoming resistances

overcoming his resistances
she seLf-pSycho-analyzeD
and divested his hang-ups



now the world is a little freer
warm and safe in the womb
no connections severed
no anxiety in the cold
and dark left alone

it gets a little brighter
when i hear her voice
the solitude becomes fractured

so quiet i can hear the sun boil
all your experiences have been recorded
in the book of your body and mind

young people

young people are so impressionable
they are raped and abused by advertising
by parents and teachers and coaches and ministers

how can they ever learn

how blind the parents are
the perpetrators of prejudice
bring another into the world just like you
look, you can in fact reproduce!

everything one day will be quiet except for the dandelions growth
all right here, donald twain, we took our lovers oath
we need cake to sop up the booze
chocolate and tea? on a virgins bruise

you can be my friend
soon we'll be a sisterhoood of unity

the sky is cloudy today
the wind is from her southern mind
let's go on as it will be
a comma separating
the invisible from the seen

it's not new it's very old
and barbaric
somewhat numeric
you can count on me
i'm your let's make a deal friend
your beat the clock buddy
i'll dig for your frankenstein monster
in the alley on a hot summer's day
stop rejecting me
and filling in my work
i'm an ant

i kant keep konsidering your past point of view
it's biblical and comical and fudgsicle and cold
it leaves me wanting and desirous and typically old
she just let go

i felt a
then i tasted a
and i smelt a
i saw a
then i heard a

and i thought i evolved

on the first day of evolution the good lord gave to me
a sense of connection with my external surroundings

on the second day of evolution the good lord gave to me
too many options
and a sense of connection with my external surroundings

on the third day of evolution the good lord gave to me
three separate choices
too many options
and a sense of connection with my external surroundings

on the fourth day of evolution the good lord gave to me
for reasons of compassion
three separate choices
too many options
and a sense of connection with my external surroundings

on the fifth day of evolution the good lord gave to me
five golden senses
for reasons of compassion
three separate choices too many options
and a sense of connection with my external surroundings

on the sixth day of evolution the good lord gave to me
a sixth sense to unite
five golden senses
for reasons of compassion
three separate choices too many options
and a sense of connection with my external surroundings

on the seventh day of evolution the good lord gave to me
seven waves to entice me
a sixth sense to unite
five golden senses
for reasons of compassion
three separate choices too many options
and a sense of connection with my external surroundings

on the eighth day of evolution the good lord gave to me
ate what the earth drops off

suicidal fetus

down, down, down
she told me she's down
clownin' around on the merry-go-round
around and around and around

it's a stomatic day and the leaves are breathing
the trees are winding
cause their seeds are still dreaming

wettened glasses are reflecting contemplative dew
sliding onto the once live table
now serving an undeserved
death sentence

to serve man
cause he has hands
an opposable thumb
they are the disposable ones

the displaced wretched
enslave them and make them subservient
to serve as your serviette
you may still yet live to regret
the murder before your eyes

my glass needs filling
my belly needs more killing
b-52 beatnik
in spontaneous ridiculous bloodlust

i have seen america
and it is beautiful
the misotrophic buttes
and the philanthropic flutes
playing for the slaughtered many

america is not a country
the world is not for your labelling
nobody owns the land and sky
everything does

humans make the mistake
of thinking too much about themselves
of separating themselves
from the dust from whence they've come

the dirt is our home
vitamin b12
sitting by yourselves it oughta don on ya

acceptance and rejection
flacid penis then erection
childhood breast
orgasmic breaths
write the future life conception

i saw a canada thistle
growing in a bus stop crack
roundup was used to kill her
and the killer cracked a laugh

i used to think that she used to think
that she loved me once you know
but i was mistaken
my dreams were forsaken
for a hand that would eventually show

the blood 'tween the nails
and the bones sporting pails
of osteoclastic dust
entering in through receptors
stirring protective rejectors
i thought she was beautiful

anchor shipwreck cocksman three
carpet growing starfish sea
wooden blanket fathers booze
bunyon dishrag nike shoes

orange bluebell grandma day
table marble further lay
window flyswat murder tear
campbell soupcan brickhouse near

guitar crumble basement drain
friendly neighbor gone insane
potsmoke beercan urine splash
leopard acid kiss my ass

drunken psycho lsd
he's taken all my dignity
couch look car boys sitting there
mocking pointing angry stare

ping pong paddle stoner games
redhot poker lost again
sixteen birthdays older now
porno future known somehow

mountain breastmilk sexy suck
target yoyo robot duck
toolset chalkboard barbie van
hotwheel derby smash flattened gland

dogbite heatwave weightlift gut
doorbell lawnchair gobpile guff
cleanup sunshine jesus nun
streetsweep carfinger breakin one

basement basemant basemint birth
rumdrink doctor dumb isn't the first
retard motorbike skipping ahead
young child in the womb longs to be dead

douchebag

oh dear god, what have i done.
what, what is it?
i've done a really stupid thing.
oh christ, what is it this time?
i can't say, i'm too embarrassed.
and ashamed too?
yes.
spill it.
i thought i was being more clever than i actually am...
and...
i fucked up.
so, what did you do?
i sent an email to brian.
you mean douchebag?
yea
what did you say in the email?
it was nothing really. we were talking the other day about ethics regarding pastor gower's sermon this last sunday and what a person ought to do and how ought implies can and so forth but the tone of it, though not mean or anything was just kind of arrogant and i don't know just really full of myself you know.
only all too well.
so anyway, then i ended the message by saying 'keep up the good work douchebag'
so what's the big deal?
the big deal is that douchebag's email address is right next to our minister's and i accidentally sent the message to pastor gower and realized it only after i sent it
YOU FUCKING LOSER!
i know, what am i going to do?




thankfully this scenerio was only a dramatization but future mistakes such as these may happen to you if you are not more careful in paying attention to whom your emails are being sent to in the future ~ Criswell

YES!

"i'm no fucking good
it's just so unfuckingbelievable
how no fucking fucking good i am
i'm such a fucking loser and a moron

everything i fucking touch turns to shit
fuck you charlie brown

crumple it up
and throw it all away
delete the shit
it's all shit all of it

start fresh
why start anew at all
who gives a shit

the cars keep polluting
the animals keep being slaughtered
and people still keep having fun
fuck 'em

whose a fucking poet
whose a fucking musician
whose a fucking drawer, a painter or mortician
for the cycle of creation/destruction

let it all rot to manure
and serve as compost for something really beautiful
and useful unto itself
like a dandelion
fuck people who poison dandelions
don't they recognize art?"

i see you point
and i understand you completely
but you must realize
it's not about whether or not you're a 'good enough' artist
or how smart you are
or how shitty the world is,
it's all about you loving another.
whether they are people, animals or plants
it is your purpose and duty to care about their well-being
and be concerned for the interests that other creatures have
in living a life free from torment and suffering
that people cause all those who are capable of having a good-of-their-own.
your happiness is a beneficial byproduct of doing the kind and compassionate thing.
do you understand ?

a sonnet song in three part harmony

beginning now the world is better for
trees and grasses and fields
(fresh air and water, its beautiful)
the creatures who inhabit every niche.
no polluting automobiles
(let's go for a swim, you and i)
no longer will a voice be voiceless. store
nature has taken back her soil
(in the ocean, right now)
your hatred back in atavistic breach,
elegant weeds begin to coil
(naked and free, alive)
to never greet again the way it was;
around old rusty artifacts
(immersed by warm embrace)
when killing seemed to rule heartless men.
oh yea, i remember that
(look at the sandpipers over there)
dividing species; that's what ego does,
it's so easy now to laugh
(it's funny how they all fly together)
to fill a thoughtless mind but that was then.
lay back and look at the clouds
(and all land at the same time)
no more shall grief and lies be seen to pass
watch the sun behind their shroud
(what a gorgeous moment)
across the faces of our earthly kin.
i could lay here forever
(i'm thankful it never has to end)
"believe", i heard a whisper from a lass.
and ever and ever and ever
(i'll always love this place)
she held my hand and said to enter in.
throw your watch away
(it is home for each one of us)
"the place is here, the time is right to live
just watch how children play
(all together)
for you; for me; for us; we all shall give".

cum together

and so here it is;
self-indulgement.
it's always okay to be a loser
and think things that could never possibly
be.

if you believe,
you've just created your reality;
but what to dream?
make it a good one.

you know, like the sun
you see.

it's always great to be hated;
to be reviled and berated.
there are battery chickens and veal calves
yet some still choose to laugh.

to hell with it!
he who commits suffering upon another
shall have his heart sheered of any joy
and deserve every minute.

ponder another's pain,
real pain, you know?
like trusting someone to not hurt you
and then they end it by killing you.

STOP tricking the vulnerable.
stop exploiting the weaker.
if you were in their shoes
you'd never agree to
what you do.

let this be a sermon
i mean everything i said.
baby i'm determined
and if you keep it up
you'll be dead.

STOP!

it's all alright to me,
and it could all be
so amazingly beautiful
if we could all feel
real love
for every creature and every being.
believe, and make it happen.

it kinda starts in your stomach,
like an orgasm,
then moves up into your brain.
it blows around your head
like a million elm seeds
scattering in the
thoughts meander like a restless
wind,
inside a letter box
implanting
and flourishing.

oh christ let it grow
don't ever let it go.
a dream is only as good as the dreamer.
compassion for others is a good start,
indeed the greatest beginning.

imagine you're one of them

SF

today i would like to discuss something very serious.so serious in fact that you have to realize that as i'm writing this i myself have no idea what it will be, marcus will be. here it goes , allen ginsberg first thought best thought
supplying structure now
meter arising somehow
gaining ground and momentum
like a train or ride but who'd invent 'em

i remember when i was born
the doctor slapped my mother
kidding that never happened
i wasn't born it was another

someone told me i was born
right out of satan's ass
it was mean i thought but let it go
and left 'em startled and aghast

satan, god, and angels too
are products of the mind
a mind displacing good and bad
onto another kind

these words come from hell
these words come from hell
a hell that's easy to forget
when you think of another's hell

what have you got to complain about
as you mope about the house
food, beer, designer wardrope
to hang upon yourself

i am famous
a famous blue anus
a sad little rectum it's true
my fame is my undoing
my undeniable proving
to myself that....

sex
sex sex and more sex
and sex and sex again
contrasexion for all
distribute and have a ball
a giggle a laugh or two

the world is filleted
who gets their fill of being layed
it's love that we're all after
and admiration or admonition
toward those who don't approve

prove your manhood
put a hood on your dick
and stick
it where you must
but remember this oh ye of lust
your mother's ghost stands at your shoulder
face like ice a little bit colder
saying to me
you cannot do that it breaks all the rules
you learned in school

how can you ever love another
when you've loved your first love
like no other

and still the dripping days conceal fetid waste
upon the golden rocks she layed today
her eyes were warned of living close to sea
her heart was pumping salt and scorn for me

but she went away
back to l.a.
and so i was left
back up in s.f.
and a million hits rolled up on the shore

the sunsets used to last a day or two
in sand francisco it was always me and you
you used to draw the faces on the beach
the children laughed, the future in their reach

but older cancers prey on whiskeyed eyes
a bottle broke and garbage skittered in
she said that once i'm caught i can't survive
i caught a glimpse of her today in gin

the story began like so many others
confused somewhere in there
she loved or was it me
i loved her from the moment i was conceived

suitcases blue vases flowers in half watered daisies
coming alive
like beautiful weeds

why did i have to see her today

six stringed guitars and worn out picks
keyboards and four-tracks that work badly now
harmonica, recorder, an amplified memory
of a dream i had or was it just reality

why did i have to breath her today

a knock upon the wall would keep away
the fear that hid inside a cupboard door
corroded cross across a crippled yegg
she never saw it coming up the floor

look out! i cried and let the faucet run
until tomorrow breeds another sting.
it's drying nicely. now that she's a nun
she knows salvation comes to those who bring
a heart of love and look up at the sun
concealed behind an eagle's broken wing.
a hook, a doll, a rip revealed in one,
the burning dress removed she now could sing
a dirge for us. this love is nearly wrung
completely. "free!", she laughed, and held the ring
and tossed it in the ocean. now it's done.
i moaned the king is dead long live the king.
tomorrow never comes for those who pine
away the moment spilling stale wine.

why did i have to leave her today

everyone hates a mime

everyone hates a mime
oh yes it's true
everyone hates a mime
and i do too
everyone hates a mime
cause they're reacting all the time
to things that nobody else has ever seen

everyone hates a mime
it's very plain
everyone hates a mine
cause they're insane
everyone hates a mime
they're acting silly all the time
in places nobody else has ever been


oh when oh why oh where are we to go
the mimes are taking over high and low
ignore them then perhaps they'll shuffle off
away inside their unapparent box

oh everyone hates a mime
let's say it loud
yes everyone hates a mime
let's all be proud
cause when everyone hates a mime
perhaps nobody will give a dime
to further these ridiculous little dweebs

it's a pimple and dimple today

i turned on the tube
and what did i see
i guy with a pimple and then
a pimple a dimple all lined up in three
i turned off the telly again

i went to my room
to muse what i saw
and bemuse and confuse such a sight
why was it so, for me to then draw
this affront, cause it just isn't right

but i picked up a pen
and i tried to depict
what had recently flooded my eyes
the torturous sight was a dubious trick
to play on formitive mind

i continued to make
a creation to fill
a repulsive particular need
and while i can't say i redundantly will
to forgive this reaction to be

to be or to die
is a poser you know
and it's one that we all have to weigh
whether drawing or walking away from the show
it's a pimple and dimple today

so make it create it
and let it come out
in a way that is wholly your own
and use what is there to eradicate doubt
after all this whole place is our home

World Cup 2006

so what's all the fuss with the world cup!
i just watched the game between germany and argentina and some german player (i don't know his name...sheißekuchen or ubermensch) was tapped by an argentinian and went down like lee harvey oswald shot by jack ruby! man, i thought the germans were supposed to be tougher than that, what with the whole nazi episode and all. it's no wonder they lost the war (whoops...i forgot...DON'T MENTION THE WAR!).

and why is it called the world cup anyway when they don't even win a cup. they win some dime store replica of an oscar that looks like a bat holding up a horta egg. and the award for the team with the most crybaby prima donnas goes to...

and the logo? i mean forget about it! i can see a 6 for 2006, but what's with all the smiley faces...and where's the 2? there's nothing but three other zeros there. this is the worst logo i've ever seen. i guess the smiles are supposed to represent the happy, well behaved german fans enjoying some delightful football. and how come only the little orange guy has hair? this really looks like a hastily assembled logo done by somebody who has perhaps enjoyed a few too many oktoberfests.

A Loon Shall Be Wailing At Quarter Past Two

so what a surprise
the man is alive
and feeling his way to the door
i cannot regret
the things i forget
like calling the neighbor the whore

i tell you it's true
the older they grew
the more they became like a tree
but then it became
a little insane
when xylem and phloem were free

to ooze from the bark
it was oh such a lark
to become what the elders did fear
but i didn't care
cause i had a flare
for dousing my mind in a beer

it was so long ago
and such a good show
i caught the third act of the play
she said 'how are you'
i said 'good as new
but my body is older today'

and so it would be
that the neighbors could see
just how lonely a loner should get
when he fiddles away
all the plasticine clay
cause it's drying from being too wet

so long ago now
it was once very loud
but seems to have calmed a bit down
i lost my red touque
on the top of the roof
because of that stupid fat clown

this could go on all night
when the turn of the light
reveals what shouldn't be seen
the ghost's of the years
though nary a tear
shall be shed for a guy whose so mean

but i'm not really mean
i'm just drawn it would seem
to look like a crusty old fart
if you look deep inside
to the heart of the guy
you will see where the rest never start

so goodbye my friend
until next time i send
you a greeting from us unto you
i will carry a tune
on a harp and a loon
shall be wailing at quarter past two

The Northern Canadian Wilderness

i'd like to talk to you right now if i could about a very sensitive issue. it's an issue we have all dealt with at one time or another in our lives. it's the problem of ...

there are many times in a young person's life when he or she feels the need to sit down and discuss with a friend, teacher or parent the problem of...

about three and a half years ago was when it first came to my attention that we could no longer, in good conscience, avoid the problem of...

all of these sentences have several things in common. firstly, all begin to discuss an issue of some importance and then trail off at the end before actually mentioning the problem of...

well by now i hope you are beginning to see my point. if not let me illustrate it for you .










here then we see the crux of the issue. what begins at one end to form structure is in fact not a beginning at all but the end of the problem which was about to be discussed in the first place. let me show you another example and this time pay especial attention to the small elusive object in the background just to the upper right of the main element.




so now we witness what could be refered to as an 'unfair assault' or what freud would have called a 'mostly unscrupulous camouflage by richard'. this is a classic example of something which should stand out but is in fact obscurred by a most ridiculous arrangement of hair, clothing and skin.



it would be appropriate at this stage in the discussion if i were to introduce another element to the proceedings which may clarify for some of you who may still be confused as to the direction the whole operation seems to be heading but i'm not going to. instead i'd like to reveal to you as an example of 'unwashed socks' what it means to be a part of a lecture and deliver words which seem to the average student a might confusing by illustrating a further point, observe...

there once was a man with a coat
who swam in communist moat
he buttoned his pants
but before he could dance
he fell onto the deck of a boat

this then would demonstrate the element of 'castle lust' where the protagonist, the 'man with a coat', seems to have reached a crossroads in his life, 'the moat', presumably in front of a castle, a 'communist' castle. now another name for a communist castle is the kremlin located in moscow. the problem here is that the kremlin does not have a moat but it does have guards around it, so in fact the man is not about to go swimming in a moat he is however about to engage the curiosity of several of the guards surrounding the kremlin by buttoning his pants and attempting some sort of a dance. now what sort of a dance would a tourist (i'm assuming here that the man in question is a tourist from new south wales who has just won a scholarship for a three year course on how to butter up guards at the kremlin) do in moscow in front of the kremlin to the guards there? there can really only be one logical answer....a line dance. so as he attempts to have the guards line dance his devious plan of course all along was to distract them by this western buffoonery and while they were dancing he would walk casually into the kremlin steal the gold hidden in the dungeon and make his quick escape via a 'boat', which in this context actually refers to a bicycle, ride to the train station and be back safely at his hotel long before the guards at the kremlin stopped line dancing. well that was the plan but something went wrong, something went terribly, terribly wrong. what the man did not realize was that the guards were not in fact guards but grizzly bears and the kremlin was not in fact the kremlin but a cave and moscow was not in fact moscow but the wilderness of northern canada where the man had been lost without food or water for several days and was beginning to lose his mind.

so anyway, to make a long story short, the man was eaten by the bears, the bears were happy for the opportunity to have something to nibble on, and needless to say our poor unfortunate protagonist never got the gold he so desperately sought. he did however get a chance to enter through the golden gates of heaven where by an ironic twist of fate he met there a man in a coat who related a story to him about how he often swam, not in a communist moat but a big capitalist swimming pool outside his estate in new south wales. well i guess it's true what they say...if ever you go hiking in the northern canadian wilderness, make sure you stay at home!

Starship Boobyprise (you're killing yourself)

starship boobyprise flying tonight
look up way up in the sky and see a surprise
toe jam underpants skidding awhile
in the alley garbage can a loner on trial







big bob restaur awnt eating a meal
throwing down a water jug and pricking her heal
keep clean gasoline runnin' away
awful airy kinda scary froggy 'l say




stop check polarise the sun is okay
on a blurry undertaker acting a play
rubdown octogon meeting inside
periwinkle bloomin' on a lawn of a guy

someday cauterize flowin' in town
a boil a minute drippin' on an indigent clown
eat quick nevermind pick up the pace
save a little extra for a man in the race

you gotta look good in a gallery getting a tow

a towel in audio families holding their own
deriding a camelot paradise feeling at home
expending the energy lifting a bucket a gore
a meaningless solitude happily washing ashore

parading a remedy catalogue fitting the bill
a rabbit is holding a memory after the kill
podiatry walking impossibly going astray
he couldn a written a doodle an gotten away

a rower in oreo elegy idley doze
a cat of a kind of carnival comin' he goes
away an away an aware he is saddling up
a capital column a cavity filling the cup

essentially anything older regarding a pole
aladin 'l laugh an 'l live in a liquory hole
celerity larry an' loonier louis 'l know
y' gotta look good in a gallery getting a tow

What I Should Bring

i really should bring a bassoon
a bassoon is a thing that i oon
a baboon, a balloon, a lagoon ala tune
i really should bring a bassoon

i really should bring a beret
a beret is a thing to hurray
a ballet, a monet, a delay a good day
i really should bring a beret





i really should bring a garage
a garage is a thing to portage
a collage, a mirage, an homage to massage
i really should bring a garage







i really should bring a guitar
a guitar is a thing that i are
a qatar, a sitar, a levar on a star
i really should bring a guitar








i really should bring a galoot
a galoot is thing i can shoot
a cheroot, a reboot or a newt in a suit
a really should bring a galoot







i think that is all i can bring
and i bring some adorable things
a ring on a string and a king of the swing
i think that is all i can bring

The Courtcase of Eddie's Father

ba-room, ba-room, ba-room, ba-room
people let me tell you 'bout a barroom brawl
it's a warm hearted cuddly fight
a great big bundle of spite

ba-room, ba-room, ba-room, ba-room
my dad got real drunk but wait that isn't all
he buggered a guy's face up tonight
and you know that isn't right


ba-room, ba-room, ba-room, ba-room
and then he drove his car and hit a policeman
and he killed the cop but didn't care
cause he wasn't even aware

ba-room, ba-room, ba-room, ba-room
but now he has to go to court you understand
cause drivin' drunk is not really fair
to people everywhere

A Dog In The Bog

i very much like a dog in the bog
i do not like his paw eaten raw
i would not could not eat his black eyes
i should not stood not eat him with fries

he likes to play in the water you know
he likes to stay there in sleet or the snow
he never complains when the water is brown
he always keeps wearing an opposite frown

he sticks to the trails on a long nature hike
he rides a ten speed and a three wheeled trike
we go to the forest where trees are so green
he keeps his fur glossy and his figure so lean

i like my bog dog cause he is my good friend
i'll love him forever around every bend
people may ask why he hangs in the muck
i say cause he thinks he's a kind of a duck

a duck they will ask and i say yes it's true
and then they will nod and say how do you do
i shake with my hand as they offer me theirs
and prance about laughing in my underwear

my dog in the bog is a buddy of mine
i found him upon a small boat on the rhine
he was rowing the craft and i'll say that's a feat
cause his paws are much smaller than any you'd meet

how could he row when dogs aren't that smart
he can also lay claim to some very good art
he paints and he draws and directs the odd film
and fires the clay in his very own kiln

my dog is so great and i love him so much
he can sing he can dance and all sorts and all such
he's my dog in the bog and we'll always be mates
like a fig's not a fig without very good dates

THE NEW VEGANARCHIST TOOLBAR IS HERE !

Hey buddy, do yourself a huge favor and download for the good of the planet the super fabulous, ultra fantastic, one of a kind, out of this world, VEGANARCHIST TOOLBAR! YAY! Yes that's right kids it's here, the one nobody has asked about for years has finally arrived and you, yes you, the one reading this right now have the opportunity of a lunchtime to have this tremendous useless instrument on your computer right now, this very second but you have to act quickly, for you see....I'm dying and it would really make me happy if you would download my wickedly mucilaginous? toolbar. It really is a wonderful addition to any family but don't take my word for it, just look at these mostly favorable testiclemonials:

1. 'I like' says some guy I never met
2. 'what's that blue thing?' wonders the young squire as he calls faithfully to his jovial steed
3. 'I have never in all my life witnessed such a load of shi...' hey now how did that one get in there
4. 'this is the greatest toolbar nay tool period that has ever been invented in the history of mankind perhaps even more remarkable than the creation of life itself' dw declare

Well there you have it. Now you too can own this sensual bar shaped like a tool and love and caress it for days to come as your very own. just click on the link below and let the merriment begin!

http://theveganarchist.ourtoolbar.com/

(now click on the link above)

The problem with England

the problem with england is this. they will take something cool from america and just add a chimney sweep. whether it's music, television, movies or sports, whatever the brits fancy from across the pacific, to claim it as their own they will simply add a chimney sweep. cut it out britain, enough's enough. you're not fooling anybody over here with your "ew needs a sweep then guvnah?" or "clean your soot squire?" we know what it's all about and it's painfully clear. you have simply run out of ideas of your own, so to make it seem original you do this pathetic smoke passage preener impersonation of something usurped. well no more england, the games over, and i for one shall be packing up my board and thanking the good ol' u.s.of a's uncle sam that i still got plenty of fire power left in this six gun shooter to hit a bulls eye clear across this side of the rio grande. better luck next time matey.

day 273

it is now day 273 and HAL is really starting to piss me off. he keeps hiding my pornography dvds and replacing them with reruns of Gunsmoke, now i like Hoss, i'm really good friends with him actually but i mean come on already. i've approached him about this but all he says is "i'm detecting a fault" or "i know that you and frank were planning on disconnecting me (yak yak yak)" and there's not even anyone on board named frank. well at least i have my books, lets see here ah yes an old earth classic "the old man and the sea monster" or how about this one "warren piece" no that ones stupid. ahh I know i'll read this one "the five wandering acrobats meet john wilkes booth" let's see what it says on the back here, 'the story of how five circus members accidentally stumble through a time portal and come face to face with one of history's most notorious arch villians, abraham lincoln, and how a brave young man, john wilkes booth, courageously rids the united states of this large hatted, no moustache bearded menace'. well that certainly sounds like a fine read.
Oh HAL
yes dave
(jesus i wish he'd stop calling me dave) could you turn on the lights in sector 7
sure dave how much wattage would you like
you decide HAL, surprise me
how does 100 sound
superfluous
then it's decided
(the light turns on) ahhh now that's what i call service
(crowd cheers, curtain lowers and the emcee comes on stage)
thank you all for coming this evening, refreshments will be served on the lower deck. tonight we are featuring dehydrated spoons and a wonderful assortment of carpet fibres.
(the crowd not used to such food items becomes restless. sensing this, the emcee quickly tries to rectify the debacle)
what i mean to say is all those who have tickets for the next show can come down to the main office and fill out a form to have...(as he was speaking the words he knew he had lost his chain of thought and became confused)
to have...(he runs, off the stage and out the rear exit into the alley. there he encounters a garbage truck emptying a trash bin and decides to hijack the garbage truck)
get out of the truck motherfucker
(the driver, only three days on the job refuses to budge)
no
(the emcee becomes even more vehement)
i said out (suddenly he remembers an old shirley temple movie he saw where she is dancing and singing 'na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na' he recites this to the driver)
na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na (over and over)
(the driver now realizes all is lost and voluntarily removes himself from the vehicle)
fine take it i don't wanna be a garbage man anyway. i got my own stuff to do
(the crowd cheers, and the curtain closes on scene two)

happy holidays

well it's that time of year again. time to break out the pajamas and fill your undershorts with confetti. it's quite unfortunate that this holiday only comes once a week, why i wish every day could be slobberday. yes slobberday, it's the happiest day of week, well next to friday, although some people really enjoy sundays. i don't. i think sundays should be moved to thursdays and thursdays could then become wednesdays. in fact all the days of the week ought to be shuffled around every once in a while to keep people on their toes, i think thomas jefferson said that.

speaking of the jeffersons, did you ever see the one where wheezy went on a diet of mustard and ruined george's favorite tie by being so hungry and confused that she spread mustard all over it and tried to eat it. i think that was probably my favorite episode. or the one where lionel and jenny decide to stage a protest against dry cleaning solvents being used to add bulk to mustard, that was a good one. i wonder why so many episodes of the jefferson's revolved around mustard. norman lear sure had a lot of good ideas except for that one show that never made it past the pilot, why i remember it like it was just......

A pappy in the family by norman lear

pappy: hey all i'm home
big louie: hey pappy how was your day
pappy: ah geez look at this big louie asking questions again. why don't you stick to what you know best...Nothin'
big louie: hey c'mon pappy that aint fair, why i know plenty
pappy: yea like what
big louie: like i know why you aint got your lunch box with you
pappy: and whys that
big louie: cause i seen smelly ernie today at long tony's and he told me that you was down at the happy rowboat
eating your lunch when all of a sudden a mugger came up and stole your lunch box
pappy: ahh smelly ernie went and yapped on about dat dere ting like dat dis here
big louie: yea and then he said that you went after the mugger and clubbed him one over the head with a rock and killed him
pappy: well let me say this about that (crowd cheers) i aint never gonna give no mugger a hoot n holler about no gaddamn crapoo. muggers in this city are as good as a ghost on easter sunday
big louie: you mean risen from the dead and goin' off to somewheres else
pappy: no i mean hiding in chocolate eggs and giving ya gas when you try to digest them (crowd moans)
big louie: say pappy you oughtn't say things like that about muggers
pappy: why the hell not dere dis here.
big louie: cause it aint nice
pappy: ahh geez

the end

too bad cbs never picked that one up

stuff

lotsa people like stuff. i once knew a guy who had ...oh never mind it's a long boring story but wait...here's something i know you'll really like. look up now and tell me what you see. it tiz no surprise now what you see is me. how come stupid things are so dumb?

I have several questions pour vous:
1) what's that guy doing?
2) who went where in his pajamas?
3) is that thing on my head getting bigger?
4) how come the ugly people are always everywhere?
5) is it wrong to have an acid flashback?
6) who said, "today is the day i break wind forever"
7) if you and i are here is it best we do in fact 'put it there'
8) can you lift a hundred pounds
9) it's too hot today?
10) won't you come home bill daily?

well these are not easy questions to answer but i shall try
1) juggling
2) brian keith in st. gary's cathedral
3) only when it is humid
4) because that is the way the "littlest hobos" of the world like it
5) only if it's longer than seven yards
6) gassy harry and the 3rd avenue minstrels
7) not necessarily though to be honest, yes under no circumstances
8) of feathers or bricks? that is the real conundrum
9) not if you're a leotard
10) this is a trick question, nobody wants bill daily back home

something to consider on those long nights away from your favorite alcoholic.

BYE !