A Mighty Nut

Remote Skyline

2012-02-03T15:33:00.002-07:00

Aliens (1974) by Hugh Townley - Eugene, Oregon - Alton Baker Park

2012-02-03T14:27:00.000-07:00

these eight figures were created by the american sculptor and printmaker, hugh townley (1923-2008), for the oregon international sculpture symposium in 1974. (here is a cool isolated picture of the first one in the foreground on the left, taken by nativeagle on flickr. the twin pines on the right appear to serve as backup singers for the sculpted concrete monolith).

they are located at alton baker park in eugene, oregon and highlighted by the red square in the aerial photo to the right.

to me, they are somewhat reminiscent of something the spanish artist, joan miró (1892-1983), may of done, exhibiting the same sort of playfulness and whimsey that was typical of his art (harlequin's carnival, pictured below, has always been one of my favorite miró's).

the harlequin's carnival, joan miró, 1925

Barbara Gordon (Yvonne Craig) - Batgirl!

2012-01-10T22:11:00.000-07:00

House-Training Your Pet Peeve

2012-01-06T14:42:00.000-07:00

the best way to house-train your pet peeve is to keep it buried inside; then wait for it to burst out at those moments when others are around, preferably strangers in confined quarters with no chance of escape and who you will never see again. with the pet peeve now out in the open, it will find its way into the ears of others within your immediate vicinity and become lodged in their brains, leaving them no choice but to hear it and to have it become part of their lives, thus eliminating your need for expensive medication and/or psychotherapy in trying to house-train your pet peeve.

depending on how large your pet peeve is, it may take several such encounters to completely burden others with it until it is gone from you for good. so keep at it. soon not only will your pet peeve disappear, but so will everyone else around you as they slowly become aware of your strategy to get rid of it.

if you follow these simple fruitful instructions, the problem of house-training your pet peeve will vanish and you will acquire the added benefit of having no strangers around you, who are in all likelihood responsible for your pet peeve in the first place.

problem solved.

A Legal Matter

2012-01-06T13:32:00.001-07:00

Moron: I was at Wal-Mart yesterday and broke some wind. Can the store legally make me pay for it?

Expert: It all depends on how much damage was done.

Moron: Well, the store was left unscathed, but my pants were split down the middle.

Expert: The pants you're wearing now?

Moron: Yes.

Expert: Get the hell out of my office!

The End

Divorce Ceremony

2012-01-06T12:30:00.000-07:00

if people are married in holy matrimony, do they get divorced in unholy acrimony? just asking

Why didn't the aggressive hockey player pay cash for his rent?

2012-01-05T21:06:00.002-07:00

because he preferred to use his checking account.

get it?

Lucy Sure Likes Chocolates!

2012-01-01T16:52:00.002-07:00

What did the man experience after an alien shit in the outhouse?

2012-01-01T12:21:00.002-07:00

a close encounter of the turd kind

dwdeclare - Anonypuss

2011-12-30T15:23:00.000-07:00

hey look! it's the new album by dw!

dw? not dwdeclare? is it out now?

ah ha.

oh dw! dw, how could you do such a thing?

ha! why do you think? because of you, you little tramp!

this go 'round, all the songs on dw's new album are arranged for the first time according to height and popularity.

featuring:

ballad of easy rider
beauty still exists
carlsbad caverns
hey bulldonna (hillbilly square dance)
how many more?
images of broken light
imagine
mendacious plutocrats
paper typewriter
patriotic virus
sidney & me
snow spider
somniferous waves, goodbye (a capella)
somniferous waves, goodbye (instrumental)
surfin' savior
universal soldier
voices of dissent
walking through the leaves

if you don't buy this album right now we're both gonna fucking die! you'd like that, wouldn't you?
FUCK YOOOOOU!

Tucson Stomata

2011-12-30T11:19:00.002-07:00

An aerial photo of the San Gabriel neighborhood in Tucson looks like a pea leaf stoma

Paper Typewriter [original song]

2011-12-23T12:31:00.000-07:00

i had something to say
now i kind of forgot
and it was really important too
or so i thought
i shoulda jotted dotted it all down
with my paper typewriter

i'll put everything i think
into a letter or word
it doesn't matter if it's sensible
or kind of absurd
we gotta get around to gettin' it out
of my paper typewriter

there's an ideal dream
that's stuck inside her head
she's tired of livin' the lies
somebody else has said
you can make it all real if you want
with my paper typewriter

i had something to say
now i kind of forgot
and it was really important too
or so i thought
i shoulda jotted dotted it all down
with my paper typewriter

Lady Bulldog (Hillbilly Square Dance)

2011-12-22T21:11:00.000-07:00

Snow Spider [original song]

2011-12-13T08:35:00.000-07:00

snow spider
snow spider yea yea

something is crawlin'
out in my backyard
when the flakes have fallen
i wonder what you are

snow spider
diggin' your company
snow spider
steppin' out over me

jumpin' around him
all the young girls scream
but he can't hear them shoutin'
he's caught up in his scene

snow spider
diggin' your company
snow spider
steppin' out over me

after the meltin'
i didn't see you here
don't know what happened
baby you disappeared

snow spider
diggin' your company
snow spider
steppin' out over me

snow spider
diggin' your company
snow spider
steppin' out over me

snow spider
snow spider yea yea
snow spider
snow spider yea yea

Ann Coulter Was Put Together By Talosians (Bumheads)

2011-12-03T09:49:00.001-07:00

Surfin' Savior [original song]

2011-12-02T15:38:00.001-07:00

christmas comes but once a year
santa's sleighboard and reindeer
do you love me
do you surfin' savior

"in the manger, born today"
whisper snowmen on the waves
do you love me
do you surfin' savior

we'll take a sleigh ride o'er the ocean
on this christmas morn
'cause santa's angels made it frozen
so we can ride his sleighboard

jesus surfs for me and you
santa makes christmas come true
do you love me
do you surfin' savior

Rick Perry: Forgetful Wolf?

2011-11-10T18:47:00.001-07:00

rick perry's performance last night at the republican presidential debate reminded me of that bugs bunny cartoon, "hare-less wolf". see for yourself:

What Do You Call A Feline With A Permanent Erection?

2011-10-23T01:13:00.000-06:00

A: Priapuss

If you met God, would you punch him in the face for causing so much fussin' an' a-feudin'?

2011-09-30T19:48:00.001-06:00

some crybaby christian complained to yahoo answers and had that question deleted. really? that upsets you? i'm sure if god existed he could easily dodge a punch anyway.

christians...they're so touchy.

it's a good thing i didn't ask what i originally wanted to. it wasn't subjecting god to a punch, believe me.

We Are Anonypuss

2011-09-14T12:22:00.003-06:00

Darn Those Wacky Edmonton Police

2011-09-04T12:37:00.005-06:00

Oh those crazy Edmonton cops and their police brutality

What's the Protein's Favorite Amino Acid Sitcom?

2011-08-13T11:54:00.000-06:00

A: I Love Leucine

Beatle Juice

2011-07-19T13:35:00.001-06:00

Artist Marc Valega designed the boxes for this imaginary collection of Beatle Beverages. Not included in the fictitious flavours are Peach Best and Starfruit Sutcliffe.

Fred Hardcore

2011-07-15T09:09:00.001-06:00

So who knew that the reverend Fred Phelps and porn star Max Hardcore were the same person?

Chaz Shandling

2011-07-09T11:18:00.001-06:00

Is it just me or does Chaz Bono kind of look like Garry Shandling?

you would think that if a woman were going to have a sex change, she would choose to look like someone who is a little more attractive than gary shandling. not that gary shandling is necessarily an ugly man mind you, but i mean, come on! what, were they having a sale that day on the gary shandling look or something? man, splurge a bit and at least go for the david brenner or even the gilbert gottfried maybe, but don't walk in the store and go directly to the bargain basement.

Charles Darwin's Library Digitized

2011-06-27T23:01:00.001-06:00

The Biodiversity Heritage Library has digitized the books of Charles Darwin's personal library. It is utterly fascinating to read some of the annotations that Darwin himself has scrawled in the margins of many of his books.

Here is one such example from page 276 of The American beaver and his works by Lewis H. Morgan, where Mr. Darwin has written:

American beaver stay away from me. American beaver mama let me be. Don't come a-dammin' around my door. I don't wanna see your furry face no more.

With atypical Victorian gentlemanliness, he pens his irritation of the Yankee Castor while showing his wonderful sense of humour and lyrical ability.

click the image to enlarge

Waking Up In A Forest Dream

2011-05-27T00:31:00.000-06:00

What Did The Constipated Baseball Player Do?

2011-05-23T11:36:00.002-06:00

he called in a pinch shitter.

DW DECLARE all my best

2011-05-13T11:59:00.026-06:00

get the new double album from dwdeclare

out now!

featuring:

back to the rack

endless summer

love is the way

dinkledoo blues

(we are all going) to the hyacinth house

curse the outhouse (and the lady)

the cosmic blueprint

the beloved community

stickin' jesus up

if it weren't for you

surf '65

green borsch-sorrel

rollershirt stroll

shittin' western style

redneck destroyers

the whole wide world (is out against me)

forgive and forget

superbug

from conception to fruition

the next evolutionary step

the amino acid song

nothing's amiss

time dilation

golden curled phoebus (and his intemperate light)

shattered miro images

ferris wheel dream

testiclemoanials:

"this album was created by a man who is a special career field agent in opening a can of musical whoop-ass"

"i think dwdeclare is the sultry voice of a whole new generation of human beings who like music"

"when i first heard the album i thought, 'wow'. then when i listened to it a second time i said, 'holy mackerel'"

"i knew dwdeclare when he was just a boy,. whatever he tells you about that time in the church basement is a lie"

"this is what music is supposed to sound like, are you listening hawksley workman?"

"most of the time when you turn on the radio you hear songs, sometimes some advertising and occasionally a special sporting event...my radio talks to me"

"i find it frightening how much i like all my best by dwdeclare. he really knows how to make music using only a violin bow, a 40 ounce bottle of rum and a home enema kit"

"every song is an instant classic, no i mean that...honestly"

"you can sure hear the degrassi influence in a lot of his songs, "everybody wants something..." stupid wheels"

"if there's a man who can write better songs and make you feel like dancing i'd sure like to meet him. maybe we could go out for dinner or something...i'm really lonely"

"if i could play music like dwdeclare i wouldn't need the talcum powder"

"one time i was watching benny hill and a female reporter was wearing a button labeled "press" on her chest, so benny hill pressed it...that was funny"

"i like the way dw can make you feel like laughing and showering at the same time"

"after listening to all my best by dwdeclare in it's entirety, i no longer have cancer of the rectum"

and this is just a sampling of the dozens of made up accolades for the new album, all my best by dwdeclare. in stores, online, out to lunch and appearing off broadway now.

In The Outhouse (Lurks A Lady)

2011-05-09T16:09:00.008-06:00

in the outhouse

by the peace pipe

lurks a lady

near the ass wipe.

like a phantom

with a hardon,

in a dish rag

saying so long

to a candle

singing for me,

but she'll never

win a tony.

'cause the carpet

stained with toe jam

lost a contest

in her trash can.

seems that weirdos

on her jukebox

passed out needles

while in detox.

but the moral

of the story

isn't known yet

there's no glory.

she's a jackknife

with no handle;

broken pieces

in a pfandl.

she's like blown glass

with no offspring

just a briefcase

and one earring.

she's a roadblock

holding traffic

to a standstill

by some heat stick.

hope she lingers

for a while

on the staircase

or the stile,

'cause i want to

build a footbridge

cross her river

of hot porridge;

but her tantrums

drinking sloe gin

leave me tone deaf

with a clothes pin.

i can't take it

when she's sleeping

on a mattress

with no box spring.

she has breakfast

every evening

in a birdbath

and it's freezing.

she sees rejects

over cloudbursts

and sends post cards

wearing pampers.

then some desk clerk

winked his eyeball

so she quickly

made a phone call.

now they hopscotch

nearing midnight

with no shoes on

or a flashlight.

they are two seeds

in a jam jar

going nowhere

in a sports car.

curse the outhouse

by the peace pipe

and the lady

near the ass wipe

Osama Bin Laden: Postcard From Heaven

2011-05-02T12:25:00.001-06:00

How To End War & Fighting

2011-03-23T16:17:00.001-06:00

Support The Mime Troupes

Supermoon on Saturday, March 19, 2011? - Not Really

2011-03-18T18:42:00.011-06:00

The average distance from the Earth to the Moon is 384,400 km. On Saturday, March 19, 2011, the Moon will be 356,577 km away. It will of course maintain it's diameter of 3,474 km. Using the small angle formula, we can determine how much bigger the moon will appear.

Here is the small angle formula: (angular diameter in arcseconds times the distance of the object) divided by (206,265) equals the diameter of the object.

Entering in the appropriate figures, we find that normally the Moon's angular diameter in the sky is 31.07 arcminutes or about half a degree, or what a dime would look like at a distance of 2 meters. On Saturday, the Moon's angular diameter will be about 33.49 arcminutes, bringing in that dime about 15 centimeters closer.

That difference of 2.42 arcminutes, by the way, is equivalent to what our dime would look like at 25.5 meters; or to put it another way, if the Moon looks like a dime at 2 meters, a difference of 2.42 arcminutes is less than the thickness of a dime from that same distance. So add that on to what the Moon normally looks like, and you begin to appreciate what a wondrous celestial event awaits us on March 19.

You will love the Supermoon on Saturday if you are impressed by the size of a dime from 1.85 meters away, but for most of us, we won't even notice the change...no pun intended.

Whiplash Exercises

2011-03-16T13:27:00.013-06:00

I was involved in an automobile accident about three months ago. I was stopped behind a car when I was rear-ended by some inattentive young arse who I think was yacking on his cell phone. He said he did not even apply his brakes when he hit me...the speed limit on that road was 50km/hr, so he banged into me quite hard.

When I got out of my car I was fucking furious. I took a look at his vehicle with it's front end smashed in and his windshield cracked all to hell from his airbags going off and berated him by saying, among other things, "Look at this piece of shit car your driving, you shouldn't even be on the road!". Of course it looked like that because he had just rammed into me, but being in kind of a daze from the accident I wasn't really thinking straight.

At any rate, I suffered a whiplash injury. I could still move my neck so I wasn't too concerned about it and as a result I didn't seek any treatment. Now here it is three months later and my neck is still sore.

I finally started some proper stretching exercises with a physical therapist a couple of weeks ago. The treatments also involved applying moist heat to my neck.

Theratherm small (7x15) model 1030

All of the exercises that the physical therapist advised me to do are in the helpful video below, which includes some other beneficial stretches as well. I also wrap a Theratherm digital moist heating pad around my neck a few times a day for about 25 minutes, which is quite soothing. It has a velcro strap on it to keep it securely in place.

(The heat pad wasn't cheap, the one I bought cost almost $100, but the insurance company of the person who hit me paid for it, so that was alright.)

PMG Rehab Self-Help. Chapter 3: Whiplash Exercises from Premier Medical Group Ltd on Vimeo.

Take my advice. If you have suffered an injury in a motor vehicle accident, kick the living shit out of the person who hit you right away...no that's not what I wanted to say. What i actually meant was, even if you don't feel your injury is that bad, seek medical help as soon as possible before it becomes worse. This is after all your own well being we're talking about here, so take care!

God Hates Figs

2011-03-03T21:00:00.009-07:00

Jer 24:2 The other basket had very naughty figs, which could not be eaten, they were so bad.
Jer 24:8 And as the evil figs, which cannot be eaten, they are so evil; surely thus saith the LORD, So will I give Zedekiah the king of Judah, and his princes, and the residue of Jerusalem, that remain in this land, and them that dwell in the land of Egypt:
Jer 29:17 Thus saith the LORD of hosts; Behold, I will send upon them the sword, the famine, and the pestilence, and will make them like vile figs, that cannot be eaten, they are so evil.

The Reverend Fred Phelps proudly displays a sign expressing God's contempt for the foul fruit.

Mark 11:12 And on the morrow, when they were come from Bethany, he was hungry:
Mark 11:13 And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet.
Mark 11:14 And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever. And his disciples heard it.

Amen.

The Crested Saguaro

2011-03-02T16:13:00.003-07:00

A rare example of a crested saguaro along the Sweetwater Trail in Saguaro National Park just west of Tucson, Arizona. Cresting occurs in approximately 1 in every 200,000 saguaros.

From Wikipedia

Fasciation (or cresting) is a condition of plant growth in which the apical meristem, normally concentrated around a single point, producing approximately cylindrical tissue, becomes elongated perpendicularly to the direction of growth, producing flattened, ribbon-like, crested, or elaborately contorted tissue. The phenomenon may occur in the stem, root, fruit, or flower head.
Fasciation can be caused by a mutation in the meristematic cells, bacterial infection, mite or insect attack, or chemical or mechanical damage. Some plants may inherit the trait.
Fasciation is rare overall, but has been observed in at least a hundred different plant species, including members of Aloe, Celosia, Delphinium, Digitalis, Euphorbia, Forsythia, Primula, Acer, Prunus and many genera of Cactaceae (cactus) and Salix. Cresting results in undulating folds instead of the typical "arms" found on mature Saguaro cactus. Some varieties of Celosia are raised especially for their dependably fasciated flower heads, for which they are called "cockscomb".

The West's Biggest Fear Regarding Egypt

2011-02-09T07:49:00.005-07:00

This video reveals the shocking truth of what could happen to Egypt if President Mubarak steps down.

*WARNING* some scenes may be too horrifying and disturbing for more sensitive viewers!

Christina Aguilera - Star Spangled Boner

2011-02-07T08:19:00.000-07:00

Maybe she can get a web redemption on Tosh.0

Shittin' Western Style [original song]

2011-02-04T17:41:00.001-07:00

I shat in California;

took a dump in Arizona.

I had a crap in Idaho

and in New Mexico.

The shit a took in a motel

in Helena, Montana,

was long and fibrous quite unlike

the puddle in Nevada.

A mighty stool slipped out of me

in Monticello, Utah.

It gave me visions now i say

the Beehive State is Pootah.

I shat in California;

took a dump in Arizona.

I had a crap in Idaho

and in New Mexico.

I had a rainy anus in

Seattle, Washington;

an oddly shaped spaghetti poop

in Portland, Oregon.

The biggest turd I ever passed

was in El Paso, Texas.

It must have been at least a yard

and really left me breathless.

I shat in California;

took a dump in Arizona.

I had a crap in Idaho

and in New Mexico.

While in Wyoming on the pot

I thought about Dick Cheney.

I imagined pooing in his mouth.

Come on now, can you blame me?

So these are all the western states

where I have dropped my scat.Oh,

I'll mention I drove through but didn't

shit in Colorado.

I shat in California;

took a dump in Arizona.

I had a crap in Idaho

and in New Mexico. (repeat and fade out)

Sharif Abdel Brady?

2011-01-31T19:19:00.002-07:00

I kind of think that Democracy Now's senior producer Sharif Abdel Kouddous has a sort of nutty Gary Cole as Mike Brady thing goin' on.

a wise man once said, "wherever you go...there you are."

President Obama State of the Union Address 2011 - an excerpt

2011-01-25T21:17:00.001-07:00

the following is a brief excerpt from President Obama's 2011 State of the Union Address which was broadcast earlier this evening:

My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but
tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward,
and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.

Hauled Away As Garbage!

2011-01-20T19:34:00.004-07:00

Here is what J. Eric Fuller actually blurted out to Trent Humphries at the town hall meeting last Saturday in Tucson which subsequently got him ejected and arrested. It is unknown who took the photograph of him.

I didn't mean to say that simple-minded Tea Party rednecks should be hauling garbage.

I meant to say that they should be hauled away...

AS garbage !

Cats I've Met While On Vacation

2011-01-18T21:33:00.002-07:00

Weasel, San Francisco 2006

Random Friend, near All Vegan, San Diego 2007

Graveyard Kitty, while looking for Johnny Ramone's memorial at Hollywood Forever Cemetery, LA 2008

Sleepy Cat, Abominable Snowmansion, Arroyo Seco 2009

Sausage Monkey, Mt. Lemmon Ski Valley, Tucson 2010

What Kind Of Cat Do You Find At College

2011-01-16T17:12:00.000-07:00

A campuss

Who Starred In Trapper Schlong, M.D.

2011-01-16T09:08:00.000-07:00

Pornell Roberts

Where Did The Invader of The Roman Empire Get His Hair Cut?

2011-01-16T09:06:00.000-07:00

At the barbar shop

Startling New WikiLeaks Disclosure

2011-01-13T08:28:00.000-07:00

Toothpaste in Britain contains 85% pure cane sugar according to new WikiLeaks Colgate redactions...

...that actually explains a lot.

Dan Aykroyd and Dr. Michael Lemole

2011-01-12T21:11:00.003-07:00

Is it just me...or do these two guys kind of look alike?

...and while I'm on the subject of look alikes, how about the tall elf from Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer and Ned Ryerson from Groundhog Day?

From The Beginning of Nudge, Nudge - Monty Python

2011-01-08T12:23:00.009-07:00

This scene from the beginning of the Monty Python sketch "Nudge, Nudge" only takes about five seconds, but it shows a wonderful comedic brilliance and an honest subtlety in the way it's acted.


What could the man at the bar possibly be reading that is so interesting to the half mesmerized interloper beside him?


Oh, oh...he's been found out.


"Cor blimey squire, that's a good one eh? Know what I mean?"

Annoyed, the patron raises his eyelids in silent, bewildered astonishment. One can almost here him thinking, "What's with this nutter?"

It's Real Hard To Be Free When You Are Bought And Sold In The Marketplace

2011-01-07T20:09:00.004-07:00

You know, this used to be a hell of a good country. I can't understand what's gone wrong with it.

Man everybody got chicken, that's what happened man. Hey we can't even get into a second-rate hotel, I mean, a second-rate motel, you dig? They think we'd cut their throat. They're scared.

They're not scared of you. They're scared of what you represent to them.

All we represent to them is somebody who needs a haircut.

Oh, no. What you represent to them...is freedom.

What the hell's wrong with freedom man what it's all about.

Oh yeah, that's right. That's what it's all about. But talking about it and being it that's two different things. It's real hard to be free when you are bought and sold in the marketplace. Don't tell anybody that they're not
free, because they'll get busy killing and maiming to prove to you that they are. They're going to talk to you and talk to you and talk to you about individual freedom. But they see a free individual, it's going to scare them.

Well, it don't make them running scared.

No, it makes them dangerous. Ni, ni, ni, ni, Swamp.

Swamp.

Do you ever....You ever talk to bullfrogs in the middle of the night?

Not generally.

You don't?

No, man.

You know what I used to do?

What did you used to do?

Well I tell you one thing I didn't used to do is talk to bullfrogs in the middle of the night, foolish.

You're out of your mind!

That's right.

You Barely Hear A Peep

2011-01-07T08:28:00.005-07:00

There's been a lot of buzz lately about the thousands of Red-Winged Blackbirds found dead in Arkansas this past weekend. Even Universe Today is taking notice in a piece from January 6, 2011 called, Aflockalypse:

5,000 blackbirds falling dead from the sky in Arkansas; tens of thousands of dead fish in Chesapeake Bay; 50-100 dead birds found strewn in lawns in Sweden; 40,000 dead crabs washed up on England’s shores; 530 penguins, numerous other seabirds, five dolphins, and three giant sea turtles dead in Brazil; 200 American Coots dead on a Texas bridge; hundreds of snapper fish dead in New Zealand. And the list keeps growing.

Were these deaths caused by humans polluting the air, land and water? Perhaps, but each year in the U.S. alone people are directly responsible for the deaths of:

38 million cows and calves, 95 million hogs, 5 million sheep and goats, 278 million turkeys, 20 million ducks, and over 7 billion chickens. Most of these animals are bred, raised and killed on enormous mechanized farms that specialize in one species and house hundreds or thousands of animals at a time. (Deep Vegetarianism, Fox 1999)

and you barely hear a peep about that!

Hey You Bastards...I'm Still Here!

2011-01-06T20:58:00.002-07:00

Michael Moore On Bradley Manning

2011-01-03T22:24:00.005-07:00

from The Rachel Maddow Show 12/21/10

Bradley Manning, this man has been in solitary confinement for seven months, seven months; and his crime is, his crime, is that he did what they said at Nuremburg we're to do. If you see something happening, especially during wartime, that is illegal, immoral, you have a responsibility as a human being to stand up and say something; and he came across, allegedly, the video of our soldiers firing from a helicopter and murdering two reporters from Reuters along with a bunch of Iraqi civilians. That is being done in my name and with my tax dollars. I want to know when that's going on, and I admire anybody who stands up and tells us that's going on. He should be rewarded, not be in prison.

Amen my good man! A-fuckin'-men!
Leaks don't kill people, secrets do. ~ Michael Moore

What Would Julian Do?

2010-12-31T13:35:00.009-07:00

Q: Do you see yourself… as some sort of messianic figure?

JA: Everyone would like to be a messianic figure without dying. We are bringing some important change about what is perceived to be the rights of people who expose abuses by powerful corporations and then to resist censorship attacks after the event. We are also changing the perception of the west.

Q: You want to change the world?

JA: Absolutely. The world has a lot of problems and they need to be reformed. And we only live once. Every person who has some ability to do something about it, if they are a person of good character, has the duty to try and fix the problems in the environment which they're in.
That is a value, that, yes, comes partly from my temperament. There is also a value that comes from my father, which is that capable, generous men don't create victims, they try and save people from becoming victims. That is what they are tasked to do. If they do not do that they are not worthy of respect or they are not capable.

Right on brother! Not only do generous individuals try and save people from becoming victims, they also try and prevent nonhuman animals from being victimized by man's cruelty and/or ignorance. It's all about reducing the amount of suffering in the world, baby!

As Paul McCartney once said:

Hey Jules, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better...

and that's exactly what Julian Assange is attempting to do. He's taking a corrupt situation and trying to make it better by exposing the injustices and "fucking dishonest bullshit" (to quote the Judy Davis character in Woody Allen's Husbands and Wives) of those who hold a position of power.

To quote another movie, this one from Julian's homeland, Australia...Muriel's Wedding, "You can't stop progress." That's right, the progress of a more just and fair world through openness and transparency.

What's The Difference Between Tom Hanks and Bear Shit?

2010-12-25T14:58:00.000-07:00

A: One's a Forrest Gump, the other's a forest dump.

Number One Movie This Week

2010-12-24T12:43:00.004-07:00

no real surprise that the number one movie at the box office this week is...

Order Is Intrinsically Unstable

2010-12-24T09:16:00.010-07:00

"Cells must work just to maintain their complex structure, because order is intrinsically unstable" ~ Campbell Biology 6e

Why, oh why, couldn't we live in an effortless universe where order was stable and needed no work to be maintained...then we could all sleep in on Monday mornings!

Perhaps the second law of thermodynamics is misinterpreted however. Maybe what we call disorder and entropy is actually the universe's way of trying to create order out of disequilibrium...to distribute everything equally in an unjust universe where some have more than others.

I remember a quote from a book I had as a child called, "The Holy Bible According to Hogan's Heroes" that went, "A false balance is abomination to LARRY HOVIS: but a just weight is his delight." I never made the connection at the time, but "LARRY HOVIS" should be understood as all the physical laws that govern our universe...the one we happened to be born in. So in essence, the universe is trying to pull things back to a nice, calm, relaxed state...away from all the fussin' and a-feudin' that we refer to as, "order".

Good old Larry Hovis...nothing beats that!

Enos Landscape

2010-12-21T21:15:00.004-07:00

To celebrate the 10th anniversary of his 1973 painting Penis Landscape, H.R. "Pufnstuf" Giger tried once again to stir up controversy in 1983 when he created an homage to his favorite prime time comedy program, The Dukes Of Hazzard, with his little known work, Enos Landscape.

The painting was received with such indifference and apathy by the public that even the Dead Kennedys refused to include it as part of a video for their song, Goons Of Hazzard. The painting was however used by an auto parts manufacturer for a somewhat unpopular television ad campaign in 1984 in an effort to sell more dipsticks. The campaign failed and the company subsequently went bankrupt.

Elk Island Line

2010-12-18T21:33:00.000-07:00

i found out something profound today. friend of mine, don't need to tell ya his name or nuthin'. "fella told me", he said, "sometimes you just gotta listen to lonnie donegan - rock island line....for all you alberta folk...once upon a time, that song were known as elk island line...established in 1913...long before since old rock island line."

"little known fact", i said.

well i'll be damned if that crazy old man didn't agree with me that time.

to be continued...

Joey Paddlepuss and The Impact Zones - Tombstoning

2010-12-14T21:45:00.010-07:00

According to Shark Biscuit Magazine, the popular monthly surf periodical out of Santa Basura, California (who this year celebrated their 50th anniversary), their pick for the number one surf song of the past fifty years, as chosen by a panel of music critics, surf experts and fans alike, went to none other than Joey Paddlepuss and The Impact Zones, for their 1992 instrumental "Tombstoning".

No real surprise there. For when this song was released it spent an unprecedented 96 weeks on the coveted Turtle Roll Hot 100 charts for surf music, holding the number one spot for a record 19 weeks from September 7, 1992 to January 18, 1993. It also won the prestigious Bombora award in Australia in 2000 as the top surf song of the 20th century.

Mack Mullering Bobiewicz, the irreverent host of KSRF radio's daily "surf home" show (instead of "drive home" show), said of Tombstoning that, "Not only does this song best represent the wild surf here on Earth, but with the discovery of water on the Moon and the possibility of H2O on Enceladus and Europa, I can say with the highest confidence that this is the seminal surf song of the solar system."

So without further ado, here are Joey Paddlepuss and The Impact Zones with Tombstoning....HANG 11 DUDE!

Braque-ish Kobzas

2010-12-13T08:18:00.003-07:00

stringed kobza

strung kobza

A Timely History Of My Briefs

2010-12-12T02:15:00.005-07:00

from chapter 1

A well known underwear maker (some say it was Fruit of the Loom) once gave a pubic lecture on anatomy. They described how underwear fits into your drawer and how your drawer, in turn, is part of a vast collection of other drawers called a dresser. At the end of the lecture a naked man streaked across the stage and said, "Divest yourself of the tyranny of briefs. Your laundry will instantly be cut in half. "The underwear maker gave a superior smile before replying, "What shall cover up your nether regions?" "You're very clever, young man, very clever," said the streaker. "It's turtles all the way down!"

About A Lugubrious Stare

2010-12-11T00:38:00.000-07:00

hypo or hyper

a cloth for a diaper

he called for a fiddle or crab

a manatee eel

a malady feels

like picking a virulent scab

indigent waiter

the ironing made 'er

a slave to a reasoning bloke

but idling wankers

competing with bankers

put hair on a bicycle spoke

connecting a coddle

performing a dawdle

in snowy ridiculous climes

palladium theater

a popsicle peter

engaging american dimes

going in pieces

reciting a thesis

about a maniacal lad

another potato

on top a tomato

the one that made kennedy glad

the manna from heaven

at ten to eleven

had all of the biblical hits

with revels and shovels

they covered the bubbles

the camel's abundantly lit

apocryphal noodle

a pup and a poodle

were walking around in a daze

the greener the grass is

for jackie onassis

the more will it fuel the blaze

assumption is somethin'

to pump up a pumpkin

'cause halloween apples are gone

corona's a bonus

on you is the onus

to make it all right to be wrong

a little a lottle

the middle's a model

for how to react in a pinch

gargantuan girls

eat out with a whirl

but never remember to flinch

mechanical camera

corralling a llama

who got a bit outta the air

designing a nail

to hang up a tale

about a lugubrious stare

Never Take A Cab In Las Vegas

2010-12-05T16:29:00.017-07:00

Somewhere and sometime in Las Vegas. 

PASSENGER:(hails a cab) Taxi!

(Cab pulls up beside the man. He opens up the backdoor and gets inside.)

CAB DRIVER: Where to pal?

PASSENGER: Circus Circus.

CAB DRIVER: (starts the meter and pulls away from the curb. after a few moments he asks...) Where does Steve Lawrence go to the bathroom?

PASSENGER: (somewhat taken aback) I don't know.

CAB DRIVER: On Eydie Gorme.

PASSENGER: (miffed that the driver would make such a rude and childish comment about, as it happens, two of his all time favorite performers, he replies...) That's not very nice.

CAB DRIVER: I know, he's a sick bastard. Where does Frank Sinatra go to the bathroom?

PASSENGER: (with sardonic irritation) On Eydie Gorme?

CAB DRIVER: Nope, on Steve Lawrence...in the backseat of this cab!

PASSENGER: (looks to the empty seat beside him and recoils in horror and disgust as he wishes he had walked to circus circus.)

The End.

The Fonz Says...

2010-12-05T12:15:00.004-07:00

Yo, don't be a nerd, eat your spinach.
It's a cool source of vitamin...AYYY!

Dali's Jupiter

2010-12-04T21:07:00.003-07:00

Animated Vasarely

2010-12-04T11:22:00.000-07:00

keep your eyes focused on the central circle for about 30 seconds without blinking, then look straight up. if you've done it correctly, you should now be suffering permanent damage to your retina.

Big Jim Sports Camper

2010-12-01T20:08:00.005-07:00

Never get into a Sports Camper alone with Big Jim...
I found that out that the hard way!

The Shattered Miro Constellation Paintings

2010-11-30T21:21:00.010-07:00

Come, enter into the mysterious world of The Shattered Miro Constellation Paintings. What strange creations will we encounter on our journey as we stroll through this bizarre landscape of mirRoЯ images. From Sunrise to The Passage of The Divine Bird, we meet the playful Acrobatic Dancers one moment then suddenly without warning who should appear, but the sagacious Poetess. Then in a flash...LOOK!...we are drawn in an instant Toward The Rainbow. Fear not, as we are led on by fractured sounds and haunting dreamlike voices encouraging us to delve deeper and peer further into this realm of the absurd and bewildering. Are you ready? Then let the odyssey...

The Old Time Atheist Hour - Stickin' Jesus Up

2010-11-26T23:38:00.052-07:00

Here is a lost clip from the American television variety show, "The Old Time Atheist Hour". A half hour program of country & western music and comedy which was canceled on the same day that it debuted during the spring of 1962, making it the longest running American atheist TV program to that time. The cast included such well known God-denying country artists as Slappy McGee and The All Star Atheist Jug Band, featuring Roy "Stumpy" Wagonears on triangle; and the incomparable Little Danny Stinky, who ironically and somewhat tragically years later, converted his car to run on hobos. This clip features the song stylings of Cracker Darrel (aka The Pittsburg Pagan), singing his classic hit "Stickin' Jesus Up".

Although this song never made the American Billboard charts, it did gain notoriety in Britain in early 1969 when it peaked at number 26 on the UK charts. It had achieved a certain infamy after it was performed by Jethro Tull, in front of a somewhat unruly and mostly intoxicated audience during a live 1968 Christmas Day broadcast of the much maligned Rolling Stones' BBC special, "Rock and Roll Farm Report and County Fair".

Jethro Tull performs Stickin' Jesus Up, Christmas Day 1968
on The Rolling Stones special, Rock and Roll Farm Report and County Fair.

This festive fiasco had the Rolling Stones dressed up as five Lincolnshire auctioneers in a county fair setting, with the musical acts being "rock auctioned" to a mock panel of record executives, who would then choose which song the bands would play. In an interview for Rubby-dub magazine in 1973, Bill Wyman referred to this Christmas Day catastrophe as, "One of the worst ideas the Rolling Stones ever had...a bigger disaster than Altamont."

A Message From Paul

2010-11-23T22:13:00.003-07:00

As me fellow countryman Charles Darwin once said, "There is no fundamental difference between man and the higher mammals in their mental faculties...The lower animals, like man, manifestly feel pleasure and pain, happiness and misery." You said it Chuck, so let's all go veggie...YEA! And just to clarify, by lower, Charles Darwin did not mean inferior. He was referring to lower on the evolutionary tree of life, as in, they were here before we arrived on the scene. Remember, humans are a late comer to this planet...so let's not spoil the party.

All the Boys Came Rolling Home

2010-11-23T18:56:00.005-07:00

i noticed a redneck pick up truck today with a camouflage "support our troops" ribbon on the back...but i couldn't see it. get it?...because it was camouflaged...oh never mind!

and incidentally, if you really "support the troops" as you claim to cowboy, you would demand vociferously to bring the abominable bastards home!

Paul McCartney - Theme From Good Times

2010-11-22T21:29:00.003-07:00

Say McCartney?

Yes Lennon?

Do you know the theme from that show on American telly called Good Times?

Sure Johnny.

How does it go again?

Like this...

Fab!

Ta.

The Ghost's Favorite Movie Stars

2010-11-21T13:00:00.001-07:00

Q: Who is the ghost's favorite actor?
A: Steve Booscemi.

Q: Who is the ghost's favorite actress?
A: Oddly enough it's Jessica Lange.

Obese Jesus

2010-11-19T18:46:00.001-07:00

Q: What did obese Jesus wear?

A: Waddling clothes.

Where Fonzie Goes To The Bathroom

2010-11-19T18:41:00.005-07:00

Man in electric chair: So you already know where Fonzie goes to the bathroom, right?

            Executioner: Sure, on Potsie.

Man in electric chair: Correctamundo! But, do you know where Fonzie went to the bathroom during his stay
in Cambodia in the late '70s?

            Executioner: Hmm, I'm not sure.

Man in electric chair: On Pol Pot.

            Executioner: Ewww, gross!

Man in electric chair: It sure was...for the Fonz!...did you see what I did there?

            Executioner: Yea, I saw...now quit stalling.

Man in electric chair: Wait, wait...just one more!

             Executioner: Alright, one more.

Man in electric chair: Why did Anson Williams win a race against the leader of the Khmer Rouge?

             Executioner: I don't know...why?

Man in electric chair: Because he had the Pol(e) Potsie position.

             Executioner: Oh man that's it. I wasn't going to kill you but now I definitely am!

Man in electric chair: Daannggg.

The Amino Acid Song

2010-11-18T20:04:00.013-07:00

as i was reading through campbell biology 6th edition at work today (don't tell my boss i spend most of my time at work reading...okay?...we got a deal here?), i came upon the section introducing the 20 amino acids, divided into nonpolar, polar, and electrically charged. in order to remember them all i thought i would write a nutty little mnemonic poem...so here it is:

methionine and tryptophan
and phenylalanine.
isoleucine, glycine then
there's valine, alanine...

...these are all nonpolar, man
and proline is as well.
there's another that i'll add,
it's leucine, 'aint it swell?

glutamine and threonine
and cysteine, tyrosine...
these are polar, serine too
as well asparagine.

now we'll see which ones are charged
electrically for you.
glutamic acid is a one
aspartic acid two.

arginine and histidine
are basic; am i wrong?
as is lysine now we're done
the amino acid song.

...and so here is the actual song. it didn't have to be this melody but i figured...what the hell, i can't really sing anyway so i'll just do something basic (as opposed to acidic).

humans can make about half of the 20 amino acids in proteins. the rest are essential amino acids (those which our cells cannot synthesize) that must be obtained from dietary sources.

the following is a list of the essential amino acids:

methionine
valine
threonine
phenylalanine
leucine
isoleucine
tryptophan
lysine

corn (and other grains) have the first six; beans (and other legumes) have all of them except for methionine.
therefore, a well balanced diet of fruits and vegetables that includes grains and legumes, will give a person all the essential amino acids they need. which of course means, all the protein they need.

look ma...no meat!

Bill C-311 Voted Down

2010-11-17T19:51:00.005-07:00

In voting down Bill C-311 (The Climate Change Accountability Act), which sought to bring greenhouse gas emissions 25% below 1990 levels by 2020 and 80% below 1990 levels by 2050, the Canadian federal government under Prime Minister Stephen Harper is saying not only to the Canadian people but to the world that it is okay to pollute and destroy the environment as long as it makes money for the already obesely rich! Is this a good example to set for our children or to the rest of the world, that greed and thoughtless selfishness outweigh any moral responsibility we have to all other beings who share the planet with us now? And what of all those who will come after us? Do we not have an obligation to them to see to it that we don't leave the world in a more polluted and wretched condition than it already is in?

A Phospholipid Beatle Riddle...And More

2010-11-17T18:37:00.018-07:00

(The year is '68 or 9, with John and Paul both feeling fine. They've supped a little think or two, let's join them...NOW!...and see what's new...)

Say Paul?

Yea John?

Why don't you write a song about a phospholipid droplet?

Em, what'll I call it then John?

Micelle (ma belle).

What, you mean one of these then?

The very same.

Gear!

(later that same day)

Heya John?

Yea Paul?

After listening to the album you did with Yoko where you both shout and squeal and make an all 'round silly racket, I reckon I know what you should call it now.

Oh aye, and what's that then?

Shite!

You better run for your life mate!

(as John chases him, Paul runs away screaming...)

I've got a feeling I should have known better!

I Better Have Brought A Banana To Work

2010-11-16T19:02:00.005-07:00

it's now time for my afternoon snack
i better have brought a banana to work
i open up my blue rdf sack
he better have brought a banana to work
searching through my bag, man where is it at?
i better have brought a banana to work
i'm looking everywhere and i can't find it
he better have brought a banana to work

a banana will supply you with nourishment
contains vitamin a, b, and thiamine
folic acid, vitamin c and niacin
potassium, magnesium and calcium

did i leave it on the counter when i left today
i better have brought a banana to work
i've got a pen and eraser and some floss that frays
he better have brought a banana to work
i left in a hurry, i was running late
i better have brought a banana to work
now i think i have to go to iga
he better have brought a banana to work

a banana has the amino acid tryptophan
which can be converted to seratonin
to help get you out of your depression
bananas are also high in iron

let me move everything to one side over here
i better have brought a banana to work
it's gotta be around i can feel it near
he better have brought a banana to work
wait a mo, i think something yellow's appeared
i think i brought a banana to work
it's a banana, a banana, yea, time for a cheer
hurray he brought a banana to work

a banana will give normal bowel function
because it contains fiber and also pectin
it can nourish bacteria in the colon
the probiotic friendly kind if you're wonderin'

Beware The Beast Man

2010-11-13T23:23:00.001-07:00

29th Scroll, 6th Verse

Beware the beast Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death.

Ignorant Rednecks!

2010-11-13T18:26:00.001-07:00

dear oh dear. a frightened bull leapt into the crowd last night at rexall place in edmonton during the redneck rodeo where thousands still call exploitation and cruelty towards animals entertainment.

live by being entertained by cruelty and exploitation, die by being entertained by cruelty and exploitation.
fucking rednecks. these are the same people who don't give a shit about the environment by driving their big polluting pick up trucks and going to tim horton's to create more and more garbage in the world by buying coffee in disposable cups and putting them in disposable carriers and eating their fat ass donuts from disposable bags.

ignorant rednecks are destroying the planet!!!

Universal Soldier - Donovan

2010-11-11T08:03:00.004-07:00

In "honor" of remembrance day.
Soldiers are not the so called "heroes" that the government and the media keep trying to inculcate in us. The real heroes are the ones who refuse to fight and kill...the conscientious objectors. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

Here's a great song by Donovan...Universal Soldier

He's five foot-two, and he's six feet-four,
He fights with missiles and with spears.
He's all of thirty-one, and he's only seventeen,
Been a soldier for a thousand years.

He'a a Catholic, a Hindu, an Atheist, a Jain,
A Buddhist and a Baptist and a Jew.
And he knows he shouldn't kill,
And he knows he always will,
Kill you for me my friend and me for you.

And he's fighting for Canada,
He's fighting for France,
He's fighting for the USA,
And he's fighting for the Russians,
And he's fighting for Japan,
And he thinks we'll put an end to war this way.

And he's fighting for Democracy,
He's fighting for the Reds,
He says it's for the peace of all.
He's the one who must decide,
Who's to live and who's to die,
And he never sees the writing on the wall.

But without him,
How would Hitler have condemned him at Dachau?
Without him Caesar would have stood alone,
He's the one who gives his body
As a weapon of the war,
And without him all this killing can't go on.

He's the Universal Soldier and he really is to blame,
His orders come from far away no more,
They come from here and there and you and me,
And brothers can't you see,
This is not the way we put the end to war.

Molecular Anagram

2010-11-10T20:31:00.001-07:00

Chemical reactions are like anagrams, only instead of rearranging the letters to form new words they rearrange the atoms to form new molecules.

'aint that a hoot?

Walking On Water

2010-11-10T17:46:00.000-07:00

The high surface tension of water, resulting from the collective strength of its hydrogen bonds, allows the water strider to walk on the surface of a pond.

Oh...Reeeally?

2010-11-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

Q: What do you call a device which transmits and receives digital data that hangs below the penis?

A: A scrotum modem.

The Atomic Turtle

2010-11-09T21:01:00.000-07:00

Q: What kind of carapace did the atomic turtle have?

A: A valence shell.

Palindrome

2010-11-09T20:51:00.000-07:00

i went racing my bike at the palindrome and the start line was the same as the finish.

Creationists - I.E. Con Artists

2010-11-07T07:09:00.000-07:00

Just a little something for all the creationists (i.e. con artists) out there who honestly believe that the earth is only 6000 years old, beginning at sunset on October 22, 4004 BC according to Archbishop James Ussher (shams jeer us). This is equivalent to believing that The Grand Canyon is only 2 mm deep! Well, that makes for an easy hike down the South Kaibab Trail.For shits and giggles, have a look at this news release from PEER (Public Employees For Environmental Responsibility) from 2006 entitled, HOW OLD IS THE GRAND CANYON? PARK SERVICE WON’T SAY. I must say this would be laughable if it weren't so lamentably true how these creationist con artists are allowed to promote deliberate obscurantism by manipulating government officials and the press in their insidious attempt to brainwash the gullible and ignorant. But I suppose once a person knows the facts based upon actual evidence rather than tradition, authority or revelation (believing something because it "feels" right) then those who continue to spread misinformation and falsehoods no longer have the power to molest the minds of people and have lost control over them (and their wallets). Similar tactics are used by global warming deniers as well and all those greedy rednecks who still believe that poisoning the land and air due to our extraction and use of oil and gas is beneficial because it "serves the economy".

Meanwhile more people are getting cancer, more animals are being displaced and killed and more pollution and garbage is rotting the planet...but i digress.

Gas Stations in Edmonton With Free Air For Tires

2010-10-15T11:26:00.014-06:00

.50 cents or even $1.00 for a few minutes of compressed air to fill your tires!? what a rip-off, like these major gas companies don't make enough money! i put some air in my tires today and was only able to get two finished before the machine turned off and i had to put in another .50 cents...man that pissed me off!
damn you capitalism and damn you adam smith!

here are a couple of gas stations in edmonton that are still offering free air:

central tire
9914 - 109 st

aww, look at how cute and happy the little car is

hughes car wash gas & diesel bar
7110 - 82 ave

i'm not sure if all hughes have free air but this one does anyway (it's probably a safe bet that they do. for other locations in edmonton and surrounding area, click here).

because these places are still offering free air to customers, unlike the thieving big gas giants (when are they gonna fuck off and go nova!) it would be a nice gesture to give them your business if you want a fill-up or need some repair work done (and perhaps giving the attendant a big hug and flashing him a peace sign on your way out wouldn't hurt either).

The Gurfer Surl (surfer girl) Mushroom Experience

2010-07-17T17:15:00.004-06:00

last night i was drinking some rum and decided to take some mushrooms that were given to me. there were a few big stems, maybe four or five, and some smaller pieces so i ate it all. it took maybe about 1/2 hour for the effects to start which began with a shelf full of cd's getting wavy. i was just sitting downstairs at my computer listening to music and the weirdest thing was listening to the beach boys and the music would slow down, then speed up, then go backwards and i thought how can this be happening. i felt like a fly experiencing events on a different time scale. words of the songs were getting blended and mixed and transposed. i had a garbage can full of kleenex and it looked like it was full of huge airy, light and sparkly diamonds. i kept experiencing the same events over and over like i was going back in time and reliving it; or was i, i thought, going forward in time and living the events before they actually happened and then only later experiencing them. i just wasn't sure. time did not feel linear. whenever i felt afraid about what was going on, my rational side would remind myself that it was just the psilocybin in the mushrooms making me feel this way and to simply keep tripping and try to make things as pleasant as i could with the music and images around me. when i was listening to the lovin' spoonful the media player on my computer was melting on top and kind of furry with tiny flames. it was so beautifully colorful and psychedelic and was floating there three dimensionally in front of the wallpaper of canyonlands. it was like i could just dive into the screen and be there with it. when i brought up the "my documents" folder it was convexly curved from bottom to top and popping out at me. the air around me was full of colorful lines and moving shapes just like some animated kandinsky painting.

all of this was my little secret and i was experiencing it in exactly the way i imagined it would be. even though there were unexpected surprises of hallucinations i did not expect to experience, it was all quite typical, i thought, that i should be experiencing them in the manner i was and just kept floating like i was on a psychedelic salt lake.

then i started to think about my girlfriend and our relationship and cried like a really deep, dripping, face elongating cry. combine pablo picasso's "weeping woman"...

with edvard munch's "the scream"...

and that's what it felt like. whatever happened between us i thought didn't matter, there was nothing that she could do that would make me stop being her friend and it felt good not to have any hangups about wanting to control another person and what they wanted to do. in the meantime the music was still playing and all around me the table and desk, my guitar and all the furniture was bulging and blending.

my hand and arm movements were leaving wonderful, colorful trails in the air. it was like that scene in the movie "taking woodstock" where the guy takes acid in the van. you think that it's not really like that but that's exactly what it's like and you are experiencing it for real.

the word "fucking" seemed to be a great explanatory word to describe the moment, as in, "this is fucking exactly what it is fucking like". you are aware of what is happening and you are just along for the ride. there were moments when i thought that i might still be on the highway driving home and i had fallen asleep at the wheel and i might be in a coma or something and how would i know if i were...but i thought there are so many shitty things that are happening in the world and right now was beautiful and wonderful so i just went with it. the thing was, i didn't want anyone to feel sad for me, because i was in a place where i was peaceful and happy. listening to music is the weirdest, how the sounds can become backwards and bubble and blend like some iridescent soap bubbles. for me, the mushrooms to kick in was a gradual process but when it ended it was almost immediate, there was no slow, lingering process of coming down. it was like it just stopped and was over like some kind of psychedelic amusement park ride where it was now time to get off. it was a wonderful, colorful, cartoony experience. it was great to giggle and laugh and cry and feel deep, visceral emotions but the visual and auditory bubbling, time repetition, melting and sharp colorful lines in the air were the best part of the trip....and the shiny, diamondy garbage can full of kleenex was wild.

Just For Laugh Gag

2010-07-01T10:46:00.000-06:00

my favorite just for laugh gag is da one where da policeman 'ee tink dat 'ee is eating an o 'enry bar, but it is not an o 'enry bar...it is a poop.

World Cup Breaking News

2010-06-17T20:47:00.000-06:00

vuvuzelas blow and soccer sucks!

Spot The Potato

2010-04-21T07:17:00.003-06:00

When There's Tears In the Eyes of a Potato

Johnny said goodbye to his sweetie pie

He said I'll be back in ninety years

She said listen John

you'll miss me when you're gone

You're gonna weap a bucket full of tears

But Johnny said you know my love is cold

So listen woman while I get you told

When the teeth of a comb begin to chatter

And a river's mouth can sing a hot-cha song

When all fat men are trying to get fatter

And plumbers always bring their tools along

When a bird has to use an elevator

And the fire engines all are painted blue

When there's tears in the eyes of a potato

Then I'll be crying for you

When a hat band can play a perfect rhythym

And an ear of corn can recognize the tune

When the leg of a chair has rheumatism

And Christmas is the 25th of June

When a goldfish can lick an aligator

And when cows learn to crow and roosters moo

When there's tears in the eyes of a potato

Then I'll be crying for you

When the bed of a river needs a blanket

And the leaves of every book turn red in fall

When the vinegar's mother has to spank it

And the statues come a-running when you call

When the Eskimos buy refrigerators

And the foot of a mountain needs a shoe

When there's tears in the eyes of a potato

Then I'll be crying for you

By Frank Yacich, Chris Yanich and Clarke Van Ness

Norden Autohaus?...NEIN DANKE!!

2010-04-13T07:09:00.002-06:00

I bought a Toyota Corolla from Norden Autohaus in March 2010. It was only after I paid for the car, when I was driving it home from the dealership, that I noticed when I turned the vehicle to the right the cruise control bar would bang against my knee and secondly when I would brake the car with my foot flat on the brake, my knee would jam right up against the back of the steering wheel. Unfortunately I did not notice these problems during the 15 minute or so test drive. Being new to car buying I did not realize I could have had the option of keeping the vehicle overnight for a test drive. Had I driven the vehicle for a longer period I would have noticed these problems.

The next day I phoned and told them of the problem I was having and was assured that because Norden Autohaus is part of an organization called Go Auto, I could exchange the vehicle for another at any Go Auto dealership in Edmonton. This unfortunately was not the case because they did not deem it to be a "mechanical problem" and Norden Autohaus does not have a 30 day hassle free exchange policy, like for example Westgate Chevrolet which is virtually across the street. The best they could offer me was to be in a car that was advertised for $1000 less than the car that I bought was advertised for but I would have to pay $2000 more. To me, this was unacceptable. When I explained to the person in charge that there is a safety factor involved here with driving the Corolla given the problems I was having he said "it's not a safety issue", just dismissing it out of hand without even bothering to take a look at what I was talking about. For me, the problems with the cruise control bar hitting my leg and the fact that I cannot put my foot flat on the brake without the steering wheel impeding me are big safety issues.

Still, "at the end of the day" (cough, cough) do you really expect a used car salesman to do the ethical thing...especially when he already has your money?

The bottom line is, this 30 day exchange offered by Go Auto is a farce. It does not protect the buyer if they are dissatisfied with the vehicle. If you are going to buy an automobile, make sure you purchase one from a place that offers an exchange, if for any reason you are not happy with your vehicle.

Do not buy a vehicle from any Go Auto dealership, specifically Norden Autohaus...if you do, you will be scheisse out of luck if you have a problem with it.

Addendum to the story. I emailed the CEO of Go Auto, Mike Priestner (mike@goauto.ca...I don't know if this is still his email, when you go into the [mis]management team's site mike's email is no longer available) to tell him of my situation and he did not even have the courtesy to respond. Thanks Go Auto and thank you Norden Autohaus.

(I find it somewhat amusing and quite fitting that an anagram of "Mike Priestner", the owner and CEO of Go Auto, is "Empire Stinker"...'aint that the truth.)

My Ferris Wheel Dream

2009-09-27T13:28:00.001-06:00

i had this dream that it was nighttime and i was riding on a ferris wheel. i could hear water flowing and crickets chirping and there was this strange music playing. as the ferris wheel was turning round and round the same scene kept repeating itself over and over again several times until toward the end of my dream when i could see myself riding on the ferris wheel and i was making faces at myself. then i woke up.

luckily i had several electrodes, diodes and wires hooked up to my head to record my dream. so here it is.

Pipeline

2009-09-13T01:55:00.002-06:00

listen closely for the beat of the washing machine

Back To The Rack

2009-09-12T20:53:00.001-06:00

this is a song about how much i hate pickup truck driving rednecks who pollute the air spewing their carcinogenic crap and thoughtlessly leave their monstrous, vile vehicles idling as if to say "breathe in more of my poison because i don't give a shit about the environment"; and i find it quite telling that more often than not, because they are sooo filled with compassion, it is they who have a "support the troops" bumper sticker on their life killing machines. yes, it is of course in their best interest to maintain the destructive and grossly inequitable status quo isn't it?

enjoy...

kcaB tI ekaT I

2009-08-21T08:09:00.001-06:00

on july 25th i made a disparaging comment about people who like the indy using the mosquitoes to make my point. well i'd like to take it back so here goes...

The Beatles "Butcher" Cover

2009-08-15T11:35:00.000-06:00

that same year, in 1966, the beatles also released revolver with the ultrarare "candlestick maker" cover. unfortunately once again stores refused to stock the album but this time on the grounds that it wasn't controversial enough.

so in 1967 they tried again with sgt pepper and the release of the "baker" cover. however this time, much to their chagrin, they were beaten to the punch when a similar album cover was issued a few months earlier by the american band jefferson airplane for their album "surrealistic phyllo".

with the deadline for the release of sgt pepper quickly approaching, the beatles hastily assembled several cutout pictures from magazines lying around abbey road studios in london to create what would become the front of the best selling album cover to that time by any band without a "three men in a tub" theme.